Back to it.

Back to work...back to school. Was hard to get back into the groove this week. Two weeks is a long break and it feels like we have all struggled to get up in the mornings. Well, it doesn't just feel that way...it has been that way. The kids at the preschool are also a little slow getting into the swing of things. Progress was helped by the weather that has been very spring-like; warm and sunny with blossoms bursting out all over Vancouver streets.

River was very happy to get back his aide. She has been with him for over a year and left to pursue a different position last term. River was very upset. Consistency and routine is very important to him and this is a major factor in how he deals with the anxiety of school life. The school has not been very forthcoming with information and it is very frustrating to be the last to know about these things...not to mention having little or no input in the decisions about who works with your child (their experience, training etc). So we were not sure when he got to school who would be there. But S. was back and I could see that he was very happy and has had a good week. For how long she is back, we don't know.

I have arranged a meeting with the principal next week to talk about some kind of empathy program in River's class and in the school. There have been a few instances of (for want of a better word) bullying and poking fun. River does  not seem to be aware of the instances of poking fun; things like kids running away from him when he wants to play with him. He will simply be unsure of why they run away from him laughing. As well, he is does not understand why a kid hits him or kicks him. So much so that he will continue to want to be that child's friend because, for whatever reason, he has taken a liking to the child. He will just wonder why they hurt him. If he is told that they are being mean, he will repeat that they are mean, but without seeming to have any real understanding of what their behaviour actually means. In school the onus seems to be on River to choose better friends...even though this is difficult for him. But the fact is that some of his peers are lacking in some crucial empathy skills. Inclusion should come hand in hand with demystification and raising awareness of what makes kids different. Instead, I feel like schools simply incorporate kids with disabilities with little or no discussion or information. They are the elephant in the room; everyone knows they are different...but everyone pretends not to notice. Except some of these kids have not even learned feigned unawareness, or anything else. They have learned that it is easy to be overtly mean to a kid that is less able to fight back. I am beginning to wonder if we can actually teach empathy to kids, or whether they learn through observing how adults behave, and talk; as well as through reading comprehension (which requires empathy with characters and their situations). Is this happening...or happening enough?

Let's try this again...

Been meaning to update...but days go by, then weeks, then months....you know how it is.

I have missed so much over the past months and it is a shame. So we're back.

A recap: River had a birthday and turned 7. School is okay. There have been some bullying incidents and I can only hope it is the not start of the way things will be for him. A couple of incidents where he was hit and others where he's been laughed at. I am meeting/working with the teacher and principal to figure out what we can do. It seems to me that the other kids could use some education and empathy. However, overall he seems to be having a better time at school than he had last year. We still continue to work with him to help him with social communication and to give him tools that regulate his behaviour. He is definitely progressing...but, as is typical with autism, it's a slow road.

Bronwyn is doing well at school. Anxious over her grades and determined to get straight A's. She's become a good chess player and, overall, an avid game player and reader. She's smart. A lot smarter than I was/am. It's a little disconcerting. I will talk more about some of the books that she is reading as well as my own.

Nicky is my step-son and Bronwyn and River's step brother. Full of energy and great at socializing - he plays all kinds of games with River and is, without question, River's idol. He is also good friends with Bronwyn and they have a good time together when he is with us.

I continue to work at the preschool/language centre. It is hard work. Rewarding, but exhausting and challenging at the same time. And criminally underpaid. I am looking forward to spring break. I am proud that I have motorbiked to work almost every day. I should also be using my wonderful blue bicycle (pics later), but I am a fair weather cyclist. Mike cycles to work day in and day out, putting me to shame.

I will fill in more details of our lives as I go along. But here's some recent pics...

 Mike and I continue our 'big walks' around the city and further. We go anywhere from 15 to 20km and walking downtown and all around, including picking up buns at New Town Bakery in China town. A well-known and amazingly busy bakery/restaurant on Pender st., famous for their steamed buns. Will get pics the next time we are there. This view was from Canada Place looking to the south. I think it is a city view that one does not usually see. Walking around the city has been a wonderful way to really get to know Vancouver. We don't have the time to walk as much as we did...but we try to do one or two big walks when the kids are with Mark.

This past weekend (against my advice because I said they should plan it and have more stuff...what do I know?!) the kids decided to have a small yard sale. They made a few dollars...but it was cute that they had the idea and, without assistance, carried it out. Looking forlorn was a good strategy as well. River bought back a couple of his own toys (although Bronwyn denies they were his). Here he is negotiating the purchase of wind up chattering teeth.

 Nicky cannot resist smiling...but Bronwyn maintains her stern countenance. Often frowning, just like I used to (still do!) I hope she is not cursed with the major frown lines that sit on my forehead.

 Bronwyn and Nicky walking to Jericho. Bronwyn loving her 'fur' coat and beginning to work on her own unique style. Both in their (ridiculous) high top shoes.

Kids busy breaking rocks on the beach...always some rocks that need smashing.

Mike - who hates any pictures of himself but, oh well, I like them.

River taking in the beach and the city view.

Still working on various projects - knitting/crochet...and still reading; just not as much as I would like. Time is the commodity that is always in short supply.

So this is were we start from....more to follow. 

First Day

First day completed. Kids attended school for 45mins. No one really knows what the point of that is. Everything was a bit chaotic, as the first week usually is. River was up at 5:30, anxious about the day ahead and whispering to himself in bed. Something he does to help to calm and reassure himself. I took them to school and was glad to see River's aide from last year. She'll be with him for the week, but we don't know what will happen after that. It is very difficult to prepare River when we are given no information. As well, we do not get a say in the person who will work with our son day in and day out. This is incredibly frustrating and is not, it seems to me, in the best interests of the child. It is not even mandatory for this person to have experience with children with autism! I prepare myself for another round of trips back and forth to the school. Oh well, only 10 more years of this to go! Bronwyn strode in in her new outfit like a professional. "Majestic" as the new word seems to be. "Awesome" is, like, totally out.

Mike spent the rest of the day with the kids and they busied themselves torturing him with their constant bickering and unreasonable demands. He looked a bit frazzled when I got  home. I'm wondering if we'll ever be able to get a babysitter!

This week work is a matter of sorting the classroom and getting it ready for the kids to arrive next week. I have a great teaching partner, Jess, and I'm looking forward to getting started. The other teachers are very young, I am the only one with children. Makes me feel very old some days...but then again, keeps me young when I listen to their conversations. Young people seem to assume that when you are a mother, you must want to talk about your children and so, with me, the conversation is directed towards them. Questions asked, followed by a glazed, blank expression when I start waffling about them. It is not easy to be interested in other people's children - particularly if you don't have any yourself (and it's not even on your radar). Of course, I don't really want to talk about them much, I'm just answering polite enquiry...but what can you do? I have been taking my knitting so that I can knit during the lunch break at the same time as hold a conversation and participate in a kind 'team-building' exercise. A couple of people want to learn to knit...yay! So it looks like I'm going to start a Friday lunch knitting club!

Day 2 of school today - the full day. Fingers-crossed that there are no melt-downs and phone-calls to me. When things get a bit settled I will write a letter that details strategies we use with River. Perhaps we can prevent the disruptive behaviours that River has indulged in every September for the past couple of years. Of course, it would entail the school listening to me and taking my advice - no guarantee of that.

A Mouse Tail

 

 After picking up the kids from school the other day, I said we'd go for a walk and head to the local pet store to buy some chews for the gerbils. Bronwyn said I'd read her mind...or rather that her 'lucky penny' (whatever that is) was obviously working. Apparently, she was going to ask if we could go to the pet store because she was intent on buying a small mouse, a cat toy. She told me that a few other girls in the class had these 'pets' on their desks. It reminded me of the icons we put on our desks as kids; troll dolls, fruit pencil toppers etc.

I suppose this stuff just carries on from one generation to the next. River reluctantly accompanied us, dragging his feet. Usually he enjoys stores, any store, but he hadn't been to this pet store before and without a previous visit or some visual to help he had trouble knowing where we were going. Of course, once we were there he busied himself taking items off the shelves and carefully putting them back...over and over. Bronwyn and I selected some chews for the gerbils and then moved to the the cat section where Bronwyn selected a mouse toy.

So Bronwyn got her mouse home and made a little house for it out of an empty smoked oyster box.

She took it to school the following day. When I met her after school, she seemed quite downcast. "No one liked my mouse." she said, forlornly. One girl had said it wasn't as 'real' as her mouse. Another had commented that the 'house' Bronwyn had made for it was "weird". Admittedly, she is a little under-the-weather (and sensitive at the best of times), but as we sat huddled on one of the playground benches, and she held her little mouse house, I felt an acute pang of love and pathos. And then I glanced over at River, who was involved in his usual solitary walk around the playground while the other kids chase and laugh around him in groups. School is not an easy place. There was one girl in particular who had upset Bronwyn, perhaps the girl who first started the mouse-on-the-desk thing. "She's a glamour girl," said Bronwyn, "she really likes clothes and boys" (later she described a 'glamour' girl as a girl who is fancy in the way she dresses and acts and wants boys to be attracted to her)...yes, they are 7 and 8 year olds! I saw the girl and, without being able to define what it was about her, I knew what Bronwyn was describing. I said school was full of so many different types of people all in one place and that she would come across girls like that all the way through school, that she just had to ignore them (stupid advice, really). The important thing, I said, was that she liked her mouse. But clearly that wasn't the most important thing to Bronwyn.

I never thought of 7 being a 'difficult' age (I suppose they all have their moments), but perhaps it is. It struck me that Bronwyn had got a mouse and made a nest for it; she'd taken it to school no doubt in an effort to join in and be social. But it didn't turn out the way she thought it would. I'd cooo-ed and said how cute the mouse was and the little home she'd made for it. It is cute. But the other kids don't feel that way. It's as if she is being forced to discard her cute, small-child, habits or risk the mocking of school friends who are older or maturing differently. And it is causing confusion and sadness in her. Schools are the scourge of innocence. The more experience I have with them...and let's not forget I am a teacher, the less I like about them. And I believe the kids go to a great school; by school standards. If I didn't need to work and make money then I would home school both of them. The argument about socializing kids cuts no ice with me. What social skills? How to be bullied, or bully? or change yourself to please others? How to hide anything that is not deemed, at some point in time by some random person who happens to be popular, to be cool? There is no point saying to a kid (unless they happen to be popular) "just be yourself". School is a minefield of differing expectations. The hardest thing of all is 'being yourself'. The stronger pull is to be like everyone else...assimilate into a majority. Bronwyn has a strong personality, but I wonder if she will withstand the pressure to conform. Will she drop the astronomy that she loves and adapt herself to what she believes will make her popular with the other girls...the girls who dictate what it is to be cool and popular. I am encouraged that she is still taking her mouse to school and sitting it on her desk, regardless of what the other girls said.

Settling in...

We are into October and the kids seem to be settling into school. River seems to be okay with kindergarten, although there are still some anxieties. He has a very inexperienced Special Education Assistant. This made us nervous at first. Some ways of dealing with River (and kids with autism in general) are way better than others. River's has quite a severe communication delay so it takes time to understand him and read his behaviour. Anyway, he decided to try out, and got away with, some behaviours that are not conducive to learning, i.e., running around the classroom and crawling under tables, and being really silly, etc. However, in the past couple of weeks we have worked with River's SEA and with the school. Matt has been willing to come to the house to work with River's ABA interventionists and also with our consultant. Sometimes inexperience matched with a willingness to learn can be a better thing than experience. So River seems happy and is beginning to understand what is expected of him. He's even brought some little projects home that he completed; cutting and pasting type of stuff. We still pull him out 3 times a week for at-home Behaviour Intervention sessions, which he needs. The school is fine with this and so it is working well. So far I am quite encouraged, but it is early days so I am still a little wary. I'm not sure what we are getting into with IEP's (Individualized Education Plans) and all that. Also speech therapy has gone by the wayside as we wait to go on the school board's list.

The other kids in the class seem to accept River. He cannot really communicate with them and they, being only 4 and 5 years olds, lack the patience that is needed to wait for an understandable, 'typical' response from him. But they take an interest and I think we may be able to put together a birthday party for him. It will be the first birthday party that River has invited his peers to!

He is very into garbage trucks...I could write a whole seperate post on it because I know a lot about garbage trucks now, oh yes. We also discovered that there are A LOT of people out there who are into garbage trucks. You may even be one of them. We discovered all kinds of YouTube videos. I even made one for him of the garbage truck going down our own alley. That is a favourite video. His favourite truck is the "side-hauler"...in case you're interested

Here's one of his favourite vids. A treat for all you garbage truck lovers...and you know you're out there! And the music is a cool too.



Bronwyn continues to love school. I hope it stays that way...but doubt that it will. She is growing up so fast it is amazing.

I am putting out feelers (not very successfully) for work. Trying to find references and update my resume. It is scarier than I thought it would be. The world is not a forgiving place; particularly if you are a woman in her 40's who has left the workplace for 5 years. Thinking about working and what I can do...thinking about childcare (and childcare for River in particular) is giving me some anxiety I must admit. But it must be done. Five years is long enough and I am ready to do something else besides being a stay-at-home mum.

There's a small...and boring update. I will try to do more regular updates. I am conscious of the fact that I have slacked off lately. It happens.

Cascade Peninsula and other happenings....

Bronwyn skipping rocks into Harrison Lake

So here we are entering the 2nd...or is it 3rd week of September. Bronwyn is ensconced in her grade 2/3 split class; reacquainting with old friends and tentatively making the first strides towards new friendships. She is an assertive, straightforward girl...but she is shy to approach other kids she doesn't know. She told me at first that she wasn't going to be able to make friends. I gave her my pearls of wisdom: "Well young grasshopper, a wise woman once said, 'If you want a friend....be a friend'" (deep, I know). I think I got that from a fortune cookie. Or maybe I read it somewhere. That reminds me that I have a new pet peeve, particularly regarding websites and blogs. It is including out-of-context quotes (of wisdom?) from writers, philosophers, poets etc., in everything you write. Padding your writing with quotes from more intelligent, philosophical minds...does not mean that you are. It's getting tiresome. Let's face it...most quotes are harvested from a websites of quotations. If you Google 'Famous Quotes' plus your chosen subject, most likely you'll get pages containing bite-sized chunks of wisdom that you can take anywhere. It happens all the time on FB... Here's mine, "Random quoting of people who are wiser and more profound than you does not make you either wise or profound, or support your point (if you have one)". Feel free to use that. I think for fun I will add completely random quotes to this blog.

Last weekend we took a trip to beautiful Cascade Penninsula, a forestry campground on Lake Harrison. The weather was great; sunny and very warm. We did have to move camp spots because some rowdies turned up and played VERY BAD music loudly and non-stop. But once we moved it was fabulous. Bronwyn taught me to skip rocks and River had a great time. He absolutely loves camping and was really well behaved. Here are a few pictures.

Lake Harrison from Cascade Peninsula

Lake Harrison

Sticks are cool!

Bronwyn's "berry henna"

The closest we could get them for a picture!

Pressing on, pressing on...I have skipped a few blog-worthy things. Like the excellent night out I had with my wonderful sister. We went to see Ray LaMontagne at the Orpheum, then stayed the night at a hotel, and spent the following day lounging and then doing some downtown shopping (or rather looking...shopping requires having money). I live 20 minutes from downtown but very rarely go there. It felt like we were tourists. It was great fun. I am so lucky to have my sister and best friend living here in Vancouver. I took Bronwyn to the PNE to see Superdogs...she dressed as a dog. I got a kick that she's still unselfconscious enough to dress as a dog for Superdogs.

Bronwyn-the-dog petting "Pot Roast"

I have also done other stuff. Which will now be forgotten and lost in time. Oh well. Life can be go by fast sometimes. As I once read:

 "Contents and colours may vary. Please retain package for future reference." 

It was on a box of crayons. And it is very true, especially for a box of crayons; varied colours, I think, being an essential component. Worth remembering.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

School has finally started! It's, like, totally awesome...seriously! As much as I love my spawn, I love them to be in school! Actually, it has only started for Bronwyn...River still has to wait for a couple of weeks. He is doing "gradual" entry to kindergarten...loosely defined as "not-very-gradual" entry at all. I am trying not to worry about River being in kindergarten. I think he will really enjoy it. It wasn't quite the back-to-school experience Bronwyn was hoping for; put in a kind of holding class where she knows no-one while school sort out their numbers and decide who is going where. Hopefully, she will be in her new class next week and can then start to make some friends. The aura of fear and excitement that surrounds the kids during the first days of the school year is almost palpable. Combined with the smell of cleaning fluid and wax crayons, it gives me vivid flashbacks of my own experiences, about 100 years ago.

Now it is time for me to begin thinking about going back to work. The type of work that you get paid to do. I'd like to get back into teaching, but I don't know how feasible that is going to be. I will need to do some research. If not teaching then I will have to think of something else.

Boring blog updates lately. Now I don't have children disrupting me every minute I may be able to write something down! We are enjoying some very good weather right now...so we're still out and about with friends and having fun. Fall will likely see us begin to hibernate. I am already looking for a knitting project.

shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom

Whooohooo... School is out! Seeee ya Grade one!. Now onto summer. If someone could just turn on the sun we'll do fine. For some reason when I think of the end of the school year, I am always reminded of the final scene from Grease. Not sure why...perhaps as a young-un it gave me some kind of hope. Albeit fleeting...and false. At my school at the end of the year you just hid and tried to sneak out like a ninja so that no-one would throw eggs at you...or worse. But Grease showed us all that high school could be fun! Really. Teenage pregnancy, drugs, bullies, no future, ...none of that seemed to matter...it was about friends and being accepted for who you are. Unless who you are happened to be a friendly, shy girl...in which case you'd better change into a slut pretty damn quick if you want to get anywhere... Good memories...great lyrics too!

The week

This week was for us...well...a week. It started on Monday and should, if all goes well, finish on Sunday night.

Very troubling images coming out of Japan today. It's crazy how we can watch disasters like this unfold; countless videos and images. And I don't watch TV, this is just on the Internet. What does that do? Does it increase our sensitivity? I don't know...and somehow I don't think so. But I cannot get over the sheer devastating power of a Tsunami. Shocking.

So any other news is, of course, trivial. Bronwyn had a few play dates that were a lot of fun. Today I found out about my foot; early arthritis. That's just great. I am quite pissed-off about this because I don't know what it means for my running...or long term mobility. I have been running regularly for 20 years...maybe that's been the problem. It's a chicken and egg thing. So now it's appointments with a podiatrist and who knows what...hopefully, just some custom orthodics. Perhaps it's not all that bad. It is extremely irritating to me.

There was an issue at school between Bronwyn and her friends. Even a concern that Bronwyn was being a bully. This surprised me, to say the least. After some talking it appears that schoolyard games got a little out of hand; the six-year old's lack of understanding, an inability to listen to others, and a difficulty in seeing things from another person's point of view. I'm hoping that it has been resolved. And so it begins. Here's a cute pic of Bronwyn and one of her friends; Virginia May. It reminds me of being a kid. Ahhh...youth!

Time for a reminder to myself...get the most out of the day; try to do the things that you enjoy (or try to enjoy the things you have to do), spend time with people you love...and have some fun!

Trouble

A week of ailments,  healing, and nursing. My poor babbies. Non-stop coughing...struck down by flu...followed up ear infections (yes, both Bronwyn and River). Bronwyn's ear infection was quite bad. I had to take a screaming, crying little girl to the medical clinic. Whatever happened to home visits from doctors? Anyway, it as if Bronwyn and River are trying to outdo each other. River upped the anti yesterday and got conjunctivitis. "Take that Bronwyn...my eyes are crusted over...haha!" Both kids are on antibiotics - and numerous other drugs. The kitchen counter looks like a pharmacy. I (hope) think they're gradually getting better. The coughing seems endless.

So not much to say about this week really. Pretty boring. The kids have been home from school. (Mind you, there are so many "District Closure Days" and "Professional Days"...that they hardly do a full week anyway.

I let Bronwyn go to school yesterday. There was a field trip to a theatre production. Apparently, Bronwyn was trouble. When I went to pick her up from school the teacher pulled me aside to talk about Bronwyn's behaviour. Apparently, when asked to do something by the teacher, or the teacher's assistant, Bronwyn had asked, "Why?" Neither teacher appreciated this "open defiance". At one point she ran ahead of the class line down the hallway and was called back. Bronwyn said, "You didn't call me back the last times I did that". Then there were a couple of other things (the teacher had made a mental note). I found it amusing. Should have gone Mr. T. and said, "Don't give me no Jibba Jabba". Surely, we want to raise children who ask "Why?" and not children who act with bovine acceptance of everything they are told to do. And the bar is set too high for "good kids", they are not permitted to act out now and again. Especially "good girls"...sitting quietly, raising their hands, helping their friends, doing what they are told. Mostly ignored, patted on the head, and reprimanded for stepping out of their role. By grade 6 they have figured out there's no point to it and by then they are the "behaviour problems" and it's hard to get them back. Okay...off my soap box. I would home-school if it was feasible...and if Bronwyn would learn anything from me. Which she won't because she will argue night is day and day is night with me.

New Radiohead album out today....yes!

Trials and trails...

Well, the ultrasound went okay, aside from the timing mix up. I had an 11am appointment booked a few months ago, dutifully arrived on time, and was directed to the waiting area. Or rather to the 6 black chairs lined up in the hallway. After waiting patiently for over an hour, I began to wonder if something was amiss. So I went back to the reception and asked if there was a problem with my appointment. I was told, "No, everything is fine, we've signed you in and your appointment is at 2pm". I was surprised, "What? But my appointment was sent to me months ago...for 11am". She replied, "Well, I left a message on your phone yesterday to say the appointment had been changed to 2pm". Well I didn't get the message and I was pissed off, to say the least. Yes, I know, I should probably listen to phone messages. However, when I arrived 3 HOURS early why did they not point out that my appointment wasn't until 2pm and that I was a tad early???? Grrrrr. It messed up the whole day. Stupid phones. The ultra sound itself was okay...same old, same old. Essentially, "Hello, I am a stranger....please get your tits out and lie on the bed.".

For some reason I could not sleep on Wednesday night. Bronwyn had some kind of nightmare and wanted to sleep in our bed. That is okay, except I couldn't sleep. As a result I was extremely grumpy when I got up. A banging kitchen cupboards and drawers and bashing pots around kind of angry. Mark made the mistake of telling me to calm down...something like that. I yelled at him to "Leave me alone!" Yes, it was one of those mornings. I felt tired and depressed and didn't see why I was the only one who should suffer. Fortunately,  I managed to get it together to teach and began to feel a bit better (albeit in a fragile kind of way). I got on with the day and went to pick up Bronwyn from school. When I arrived she was playing around with a boy from her class. I said, "Bronwyn, let's go". The boy looked at me and then said to Bronwyn, "Who's that?"  Except like, "Who's that?" Bronwyn said, "That's my mum". He took another good look at me and then turned to Bronwyn, "Really? She looks too old to be a mum". Just perfect. Admittedly, tired and depressed is not my best look, but what was left of my ego (not that much) was left in tatters.

The day did actually get much better. And Friday was okay too, and I had a sleep-over at Michelle's which is always fun and relaxing. The weekend has been okay. Mark made a delicious steak dinner on Saturday. Yesterday we went on a rainy, muddy walk in Pacific Spirit Park, that was fun. I also made an appointment to get my hair cut...seriously cut.

Stevie Smith

NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

Stevie Smith, The Collected Poems of Stevie Smith


Not sure why I picked this poem other than it came to my mind recently. Stevie Smith has always been one of my favourite poets. This is not my favourite poem of hers, although it is quite powerful and perhaps one of her best known. It expresses a feeling that we can probably all relate to at some time or another. I think it captures, very simply, something of the nature of depression.

I have a special attachment to this poem because I recited it as part of the exam for my A-level in Theatre Arts. As an 18 year old "goth/hippy" revelling in despair and existential angst, this poem suited me very well. I also recited a soliloquy from the Euripides's tragedy, Medea. Medea, wronged by her husband, Jason, gets her ultimate revenge by killing his new love and then killing her own children. I recited the soliloquy in which she is full of doubt and agonizing over her decision, but ultimately chooses to kill her children. Fun stuff!

I took my A levels at the local college where you could go if you wanted to take A levels but not stay on at school. And there was no way I was going to spend another day in school. (It would be grade 11 and 12 here). We had a teacher who, now I look back, was in his early 40s and probably undergoing some kind of mid-life crisis. He'd done some new-age type seminars and was full of unorthodox ideas on how to inspire and motivate us. We'd spend classes sitting on the floor in circles talking about ourselves. We also spent many classes in the pub doing "social research" so that we would bring something richer to our character roles. Or some other such rubbish. Having said that, I think he broadened our horizons. When I started the class I was a traumatized 16-year old victim of the school system; a painfully shy and awkward loner (which was the main reason I forced myself to take drama). I will give him credit for encouraging me to break out of my shell, and helping me to build my self-confidence. And the other kids in the (very small) class were great too, I still stay in contact with a couple of them. Despite the darkness of this poem, when I read it now it actually brings back very fond memories of that time and of the people that I knew then. Funny how memory works.

A week in review...

A short update on this weeks happenings...

Saturday: Bronwyn and I attending an improvisation singing circle with our friends Nicole and Gala. I wasn't sure how we would like it at first, although Nicole had described it to me. But I though it would be fun to try....and it was (once the group warmed up and I lost some of my inhibitions). Bronwyn and Gala really enjoyed it too. It is amazing the beautiful music people can make using only voices (no words) in various rhythms and harmonies.

Sunday: a wonderful rainy walk in the woods with the kids and Ellee.

Monday: the beginning of Bronwyn's first full week in her new class. It's a K/1 split and I had reservations at first. But she loves it. There are only 5 grade ones (and I think 11 kids in total). It's a very small cohesive group. The grade 1 kids have really bonded and I think it's great that for half the day there is a 5-1 ratio with the teacher (and that's if all kids show up). I am happy for Bronwyn, who already exhibits a new found independence and "big girl" attitude. But at the end of the day I worry about school and how it affects kids and I wonder what they really learn. Homeschooling would be better...but I don't think we could make it work.
The new BI started...so great for River!

Tuesday: Something wrong with Ellee. She could hardly walk and wasn't eating. Could she decline so fast...she was walking in the woods on Sunday. We've given her glucosamine. I think she injured her hip. Maybe she slipped on the floor while we were out. I think we need to get some sort of non-slip paw coverings for her back paws. Poor thing. It is so sad to see her growing old. Had Gala and Nicole over for a fun playdate. They brought their big, bouncing, energetic 3-year old Lab/German Shepherd over too. He was a real "gentleman" in the house. I was struck by how little attention he paid to Ellee. Normally, dogs (and especially young dogs) want to sniff/play etc. But he left Ellee alone and when I thought about it, I've noticed a similar behaviour with other dogs. I wonder if they naturally realise she is old and give her some space. I think so.

Wednesday: Ellee seemed to perk up a bit. Still didn't eat much though..or move much. We visited Bronwyn's old school in the afternoon and Bronwyn had a play with her friend Nicky, who she hasn't seen for a few weeks. It was like old times! And it was a beautiful fall day!

Thursday: River didn't seem to want to go to school. He doesn't have the ability to tell me he doesn't want to go to school, but every time we turned a corner towards school he'd say, "No, I want to go that way", and point in another direction. Then he'd say, "I want to go see May" (May is his BI who works with him on the days he's not in school), "I want to go park". He pushed out his lower lip and seemed very sad. He was telling me that he wanted to be with May (or do anything) rather than go to school. It suddenly occurred to me that I have taken for granted River's extremely compliant, happy nature.

He is spending the day with strangers. It is the longest he's ever spent without me, Mark, Bronwyn, or one of his BI's. My poor little boy...it is so overwhelming and he is feeling more anxiety than I realised. I watched him through the one-way glass. He was okay, very sweet and good with the adults, following instructions etc. But he was sucking his fingers the whole time and didn't seem to understand what he was supposed to do there. He doesn't interact with the other kids at all. He doesn't mind them being there, but he only does things by himself and I worry about that. I'm afraid that he will be so lonely in school and that thought pulled at my heart-strings. I will see what he's like on Tuesday.

Today is Friday...raining. I have a cold (what fun!). But Ellee seems to have perked up a bit. I made her a mixture of ground beef, brown rice, carrots, and olive oil. She has at least eaten something. I hope she isn't dying. I'm not ready for that.

Saturday: What is in the future?

September? Back to school?!?! What??

How the hell did that happen? I was lazing around on the beach enjoying summer when all of a sudden September knocks on the door and brings with it a whole pile of stuff-to-do. Very quickly the pile turned into a snowball and it's started rolling down a hill; things are accelerating very rapidly.

Bronwyn has her first full day at school today. She didn't even want me to be there for lunch. She is becoming so independent. I am looking forward to 3pm and hearing all about it (although I'm sure all I'll hear is "it was alright"). I am slowly becoming an unwelcome visitor to her own little world.

I really enjoy the short (6 or 7 minute) walk to school. Also, we have met quiet a few parents and kids in the neighbourhood and through other friends that it didn't seem completely new and "alien". Bronwyn sees school as full of possibilities and potential friendships. Not to be cynical, but I wonder how long it will take the school-system to knock that out of her...

River is starting a new preschool (I've already had 3 meetings regarding that alone). It's gradual entry; more like snail-pace entry. By Christmas we should have him inf for a full day...if we're lucky! We just lost one of our much loved Behaviour Interventionists. She took the summer off and decided not to return to Vancouver. So now we have to find a new one to work with River. That means interviews, training and getting them up to speed. It also means more change for River. Oh well, these things happen.

We had a good labour day weekend...lead up to the momentous first day of school.

Monday: Mainly relaxation and getting things ready. I did a 12km run (in the rain)...it wasn't too bad. My hips ached a bit, but I am trying to extend my runs a bit.

Sunday: I took Bronwyn back to the PNE. We had such a good time. She got to see the Super Dogs again. We sat in front and Bronwyn barked (instead of clapping). Then she ran around on all fours and pretended to be a dog, while wearing her dog outfit..so sweet!

I took her on the Scrambler...a ride that propels you around in your cart, while the whole ride also spins. She loved it! We ate chips, donuts, and candy-floss and when we arrived home Bronwyn felt like throwing up...a good day at the fair!

Saturday: We took a trip down to Tower Beach (near UBC). It was a particularly windy day. Tower Beach is one of my favourite parts of the coastline; rugged and pebbly with waves crashing in and knocking the pebbles against each other, so you hear the clacking sound as the tide recedes. It's a good spot for looking and listening, and relaxing. We also set up some driftwood "targets" and did some pebble-throwing target practise, which was fun.

Who knows where the times goes...

I love this song, and it is especially meaningful to me these days. Bronwyn started school this week. I have mixed feelings about it. It is wonderful to watch her growing up and reaching these milestones. But I am also a little sad. I have always thought that kindergarten should be full-day (it's only half-day here). But now I realise how much I'd miss her, and how much I will miss her as she takes all these steps into her independence and her future.

In five short years, this cute little thing...

became this beautiful, smart, creative, and funny girl...


The relentless passage of time. It reminds me to treasure the moment - no matter how stressed out and busy I am. It is so true, that saying, the days are long but the years are short.

Back to rain...

So we are back to rain here in Vancouver. But that is okay, we are used to it. Mind you, the minute the days turn gray and dreary peoples' moods seem to turn as well. The angry drivers come out in full force and everyone just seems that little bit more pissed off than they ought to be. Including me. Well, actually I don't mind the rain. You get used to it if you're from England. But I have been worrying lately and I think it's partly to do with River and getting things sorted for him. As well, I am waiting to hear from UBC about whether I got into the M.ed in Special Education Program. And, if I do get in, whether we can really afford for me to go....etc. etc. I have those wake-up-early-in-the-morning-worries. I think we are weakest at 3am. You know, when you wake up and the smallest thing seems to gnaw away at your brain. "You didn't return your library book", or "I haven't been flossing enough". Lately, I have been delving into the second level of worry...death, illness etc. I end up having to get up to write down the worry. Or else eat a banana sandwich with a glass of milk. So there we are, too much worrying is not good. I need to relax. Drink more wine.

Anyway, the kids don't seem to worry much. Although, having said that Bronwyn worries about animals. We are counting the days until she decides to be vegetarian. She told us that she doesn't want to eat animals and sometimes refuses meat. The only thing stopping her right now is when I tell her that it's okay if she doesn't want to eat meat, but she will have to eat vegetables (she doesn't like vegetables, except carrots). She is still pondering this. She refers to any nature shows or books (made for kids) as "Killing Animal Shows/Books", if they show any carnivorous munching. She asked me to get the crabs and lobsters in the supermarket tank and take them back to the ocean (I don't like those tanks either). To top it all I had to save a "drowning worm" from a puddle yesterday. I stopped short of giving it CPR. Do worms have mouths?

I thought I'd show a couple of pics of Bronwyn's preschool building. It is a beautiful Tudor revival style house not far from the beach. Her school is behind the right lower bay window of this picture (this is a picture of the side of the house).

It was built around 1910 as a family home but it has now been turned into a community centre and preschool. The house and the grounds are beautiful. The crappy camera I used does not do it justice. I will take more pictures in late Spring.

Below are the steps leading to Bronwyn and her friend's "house", which is underneath one of the trees. The grounds remind me of "The Secret Garden" and there are lots of place for the kids to play, even when it rains.