The further adventures of...

So let's have no more talk of breast cancer and all that depressive stuff. I am done with it. Cut it out...zapped it...and sent it back to the den of pestilence and despair from whence it came. Now I just have to get over this fatigue and let my skin, which is very sore, recover. Of course, everything is relative, but I believe that I got off lightly; I was fortunate that the cancer was caught early and for that I am extremely thankful.

Anyway, it is time to put all that behind us and to set off on some new adventures - we are now the proud owners of a VW van after all! (And if anyone is interested in buying a Subaru Forester, we have a very nice silver one for sale....very nice, well-maintained, relatively low mileage...anyone??). Because I am still experiencing some fatigue, I am having a slow start to my new exciting adventures. I thought I'd begin with some knitting, some reading (Anna Karenina...ought to cheer me up), playing some flute, and (to pick up the pace a bit) planting a few seeds...phew! Yes, I know...I am a thrill seeker who enjoys living on the edge. I'm sure that's become obvious by now. In fact, I might even get my sewing machine out....ooooh.

And I booked tickets to England for Bronwyn and I. We're only going for a week at the beginning of June, but one week is better than no week. I can eat lots of fish and chips in a week.

Just look at that beauty! The picture was taken (unfortunately, not by me) at Steels in Cleethorpes. The author, quite rightly, describes it as a "work of art". Just looking at it makes my mouth water. Beautiful. I hope the Pea Bung in Grimsby is still there. Grimsby and Cleethorpes have the best fish and chips in the world. No argument. I don't even have to go around the world to know that. I am really looking forward to our trip (although I wish Mark and River could come too). Unfortunately, there won't be time to visit everyone that I want to visit (we are planning a family trip for next year). The trouble with East Lincolnshire is that not many people want to go there. If they find themselves there it's usually because they got the wrong train or made a wrong turn....there's no really direct way to get there...and once you're there, it's not that easy to get anywhere else. I hope we get some good weather. Bronwyn is going to love Cleethorpes "beach". On a side note, let's hope the volcanic ash-cloud floating over the UK has blown away by then.

I split this into two separate posts...to avoid the really long post.

One week to go...

Four days to be exact. Then I will be finished with my radiation therapy. I am feeling quite tired. However, I don't know how much tiredness is because of radiation and how much is due to the juggling of daily life with daily trips to BC Cancer Agency. Perhaps I'll never know.

The weather is gorgeous and it promises to be a lovely weekend. I took River to his music therapy group this morning. He loves music and is just beginning music therapy with a group of other young children with autism. He seemed to enjoy it, although it was just the first session. He sat with me the whole time and participated in some of the songs. At least, within this group he doesn't seem "odd", like he does when he's with a group of typical children. The music therapist was very gentle with the kids and passed around some simple instruments for them to play along with; a shaker and a drum. River liked the drum quite a bit. It will be interesting to see how he gets on...he's already got rock star hair!

We plan to do some gardening this weekend. We have a big rooftop deck that we need to get ready for summer. Scrub the floor, plant loads of different flowers, and even a few veggies. Add some decorative touches. And it's beautiful outside, like I said. The problem is that I just want to curl up in bed, or sit on the couch and knit. Speaking of knitting, I think this blog needs more knitting. I intend to put up some projects that I am working on...it may even encourage me to actually finish something! Of course, everything is in slow-motion right now. I wish I had more energy, it's very frustrating.

Dislocation - a poem...and blah

Dislocation

It happens in an instant.
My grandma used to say
someone is walking on your grave.

It's that moment when your life
is suddenly strange to you
as someone else's coat

you have slipped on at a party
by accident, and it is far
too big or too tight for you.

Your life feels awkward, ill
fitting. You remember why you
came into this kitchen, but you

feel you don't belong here.
It scares you in a remote
numb way. You fear that you—

whatever you means, this mind,
this entity stuck into a name
like mercury dropped into water—

have lost the ability to enter your
self, a key that no longer works.
Perhaps you will be locked

out here forever peering in
at your body, if that self is really
what you are. If you are at all.

by Marge Piercy from The Crooked Inheritance.

I haven't posted for a few days. I have been really tired. Insomnia and radiation therapy do not exactly work in concert. Having said that I got a decent night's sleep the past two nights (thanks to the drugs!). Anyway, I have been tired (fatigued, as they call it) and generally feeling low and out-of-sorts. And I just couldn't be bothered to write anything. But we are getting on and I am looking forward to having some energy back one of these days.

I did remember my Thursday poem...and now me and Bronny are going to set off to the library (one of my favourite places to be - did I ever mention my love of libraries?)

7 down...13 to go...

Well, 7 treatments down and 13 to go. I do feel tired, but I don't think it is to do with the radiation therapy. I think it's a combination of everything that composes my crazy life, and not enough time to rest and re-energize. I'm actually a little worried about how I will feel when the fatigue from radiation does start to kick-in...or maybe it won't be too bad. I've kept up with running - even when I felt like I was literally dragging myself out the door. I want to keep up with it if I can. The only side-effect so far is that my boob looks like it's had it's own beach holiday - and forgot the sunscreen. Oh well. There are always good days and bad days, but generally, I am staying positive.

This is a drawing that Bronwyn made of her visit to my radiation therapy...

I have taken Bronwyn along with me to a few radiation sessions. She enjoys coming with me (riding in our new VW van) and is excited that she gets to push the buttons that move the bed up and down and side to side. The technicians/therapists are really friendly and take the time to interact with her and answer her questions. She doesn't appear to be intimidated by the huge radiation machine. And she gets stickers and a tattoo for all her hard work. The other day I was laying in the machine. In between my two 30 second zaps of radiation I heard a small voice come over the speaker (they wait outside while the radiation is administered). It was Bronwyn saying, "Hi mummy, you're doing a good job". Her voice sounded so adorable; high-pitched, small, and childish. Separate in so many ways from where I was. My grey and white surroundings; the large clinical room with its incumbent radiation machine and accompanying monitors. My quietly-suppressed anxiety. It was a beautiful reminder of what is most precious to me.

(Edit...actually, after my visit today I noticed that one wall is painted a burgundy-red and the other walls are a warmish beige. There is a wood (Ikea-looking) shelve unit attached to one wall. It is not all grey and white at all. But my eyes are always drawn to the radiation machine and the other equipment in the room (that is greyish). When I lay down on the bed I simply see the white ceiling and the lights, while everything else skirts around my peripheral vision. I suppose my perception of the room is narrowly defined and I remember it seeming more austere and unwelcoming than it actually is. I wonder how many times that happens at other times and in other places).

We constantly have to remind ourselves that she has a lot on her plate right now, and we have to cut her some slack in her behaviour. I suppose we need to be easier on ourselves too! The fact is that we need a break. I'm too exhausted by the evening to do anything much and I have been going to bed by 9:30pm. Good friends have offered to take the kids for a few hours at the weekend and during the week. It is time to take them up on their offers. We need the help. All in all, it makes a really big difference to us. It stops the kids getting so bored of us...ha ha.