Back to it.

Back to work...back to school. Was hard to get back into the groove this week. Two weeks is a long break and it feels like we have all struggled to get up in the mornings. Well, it doesn't just feel that way...it has been that way. The kids at the preschool are also a little slow getting into the swing of things. Progress was helped by the weather that has been very spring-like; warm and sunny with blossoms bursting out all over Vancouver streets.

River was very happy to get back his aide. She has been with him for over a year and left to pursue a different position last term. River was very upset. Consistency and routine is very important to him and this is a major factor in how he deals with the anxiety of school life. The school has not been very forthcoming with information and it is very frustrating to be the last to know about these things...not to mention having little or no input in the decisions about who works with your child (their experience, training etc). So we were not sure when he got to school who would be there. But S. was back and I could see that he was very happy and has had a good week. For how long she is back, we don't know.

I have arranged a meeting with the principal next week to talk about some kind of empathy program in River's class and in the school. There have been a few instances of (for want of a better word) bullying and poking fun. River does  not seem to be aware of the instances of poking fun; things like kids running away from him when he wants to play with him. He will simply be unsure of why they run away from him laughing. As well, he is does not understand why a kid hits him or kicks him. So much so that he will continue to want to be that child's friend because, for whatever reason, he has taken a liking to the child. He will just wonder why they hurt him. If he is told that they are being mean, he will repeat that they are mean, but without seeming to have any real understanding of what their behaviour actually means. In school the onus seems to be on River to choose better friends...even though this is difficult for him. But the fact is that some of his peers are lacking in some crucial empathy skills. Inclusion should come hand in hand with demystification and raising awareness of what makes kids different. Instead, I feel like schools simply incorporate kids with disabilities with little or no discussion or information. They are the elephant in the room; everyone knows they are different...but everyone pretends not to notice. Except some of these kids have not even learned feigned unawareness, or anything else. They have learned that it is easy to be overtly mean to a kid that is less able to fight back. I am beginning to wonder if we can actually teach empathy to kids, or whether they learn through observing how adults behave, and talk; as well as through reading comprehension (which requires empathy with characters and their situations). Is this happening...or happening enough?

Let's try this again...

Been meaning to update...but days go by, then weeks, then months....you know how it is.

I have missed so much over the past months and it is a shame. So we're back.

A recap: River had a birthday and turned 7. School is okay. There have been some bullying incidents and I can only hope it is the not start of the way things will be for him. A couple of incidents where he was hit and others where he's been laughed at. I am meeting/working with the teacher and principal to figure out what we can do. It seems to me that the other kids could use some education and empathy. However, overall he seems to be having a better time at school than he had last year. We still continue to work with him to help him with social communication and to give him tools that regulate his behaviour. He is definitely progressing...but, as is typical with autism, it's a slow road.

Bronwyn is doing well at school. Anxious over her grades and determined to get straight A's. She's become a good chess player and, overall, an avid game player and reader. She's smart. A lot smarter than I was/am. It's a little disconcerting. I will talk more about some of the books that she is reading as well as my own.

Nicky is my step-son and Bronwyn and River's step brother. Full of energy and great at socializing - he plays all kinds of games with River and is, without question, River's idol. He is also good friends with Bronwyn and they have a good time together when he is with us.

I continue to work at the preschool/language centre. It is hard work. Rewarding, but exhausting and challenging at the same time. And criminally underpaid. I am looking forward to spring break. I am proud that I have motorbiked to work almost every day. I should also be using my wonderful blue bicycle (pics later), but I am a fair weather cyclist. Mike cycles to work day in and day out, putting me to shame.

I will fill in more details of our lives as I go along. But here's some recent pics...

 Mike and I continue our 'big walks' around the city and further. We go anywhere from 15 to 20km and walking downtown and all around, including picking up buns at New Town Bakery in China town. A well-known and amazingly busy bakery/restaurant on Pender st., famous for their steamed buns. Will get pics the next time we are there. This view was from Canada Place looking to the south. I think it is a city view that one does not usually see. Walking around the city has been a wonderful way to really get to know Vancouver. We don't have the time to walk as much as we did...but we try to do one or two big walks when the kids are with Mark.

This past weekend (against my advice because I said they should plan it and have more stuff...what do I know?!) the kids decided to have a small yard sale. They made a few dollars...but it was cute that they had the idea and, without assistance, carried it out. Looking forlorn was a good strategy as well. River bought back a couple of his own toys (although Bronwyn denies they were his). Here he is negotiating the purchase of wind up chattering teeth.

 Nicky cannot resist smiling...but Bronwyn maintains her stern countenance. Often frowning, just like I used to (still do!) I hope she is not cursed with the major frown lines that sit on my forehead.

 Bronwyn and Nicky walking to Jericho. Bronwyn loving her 'fur' coat and beginning to work on her own unique style. Both in their (ridiculous) high top shoes.

Kids busy breaking rocks on the beach...always some rocks that need smashing.

Mike - who hates any pictures of himself but, oh well, I like them.

River taking in the beach and the city view.

Still working on various projects - knitting/crochet...and still reading; just not as much as I would like. Time is the commodity that is always in short supply.

So this is were we start from....more to follow. 

First Day

First day completed. Kids attended school for 45mins. No one really knows what the point of that is. Everything was a bit chaotic, as the first week usually is. River was up at 5:30, anxious about the day ahead and whispering to himself in bed. Something he does to help to calm and reassure himself. I took them to school and was glad to see River's aide from last year. She'll be with him for the week, but we don't know what will happen after that. It is very difficult to prepare River when we are given no information. As well, we do not get a say in the person who will work with our son day in and day out. This is incredibly frustrating and is not, it seems to me, in the best interests of the child. It is not even mandatory for this person to have experience with children with autism! I prepare myself for another round of trips back and forth to the school. Oh well, only 10 more years of this to go! Bronwyn strode in in her new outfit like a professional. "Majestic" as the new word seems to be. "Awesome" is, like, totally out.

Mike spent the rest of the day with the kids and they busied themselves torturing him with their constant bickering and unreasonable demands. He looked a bit frazzled when I got  home. I'm wondering if we'll ever be able to get a babysitter!

This week work is a matter of sorting the classroom and getting it ready for the kids to arrive next week. I have a great teaching partner, Jess, and I'm looking forward to getting started. The other teachers are very young, I am the only one with children. Makes me feel very old some days...but then again, keeps me young when I listen to their conversations. Young people seem to assume that when you are a mother, you must want to talk about your children and so, with me, the conversation is directed towards them. Questions asked, followed by a glazed, blank expression when I start waffling about them. It is not easy to be interested in other people's children - particularly if you don't have any yourself (and it's not even on your radar). Of course, I don't really want to talk about them much, I'm just answering polite enquiry...but what can you do? I have been taking my knitting so that I can knit during the lunch break at the same time as hold a conversation and participate in a kind 'team-building' exercise. A couple of people want to learn to knit...yay! So it looks like I'm going to start a Friday lunch knitting club!

Day 2 of school today - the full day. Fingers-crossed that there are no melt-downs and phone-calls to me. When things get a bit settled I will write a letter that details strategies we use with River. Perhaps we can prevent the disruptive behaviours that River has indulged in every September for the past couple of years. Of course, it would entail the school listening to me and taking my advice - no guarantee of that.

Rainy Sunday

A cold rainy day today; the perfect day to stay indoors and relax. Remembrance Day. We listened to the service from Ottawa on the CBC radio. Today, of course, was a solemn occasion on the radio. I found my eyes filling up with tears as we heard the last post bugle call. Bronwyn and I talked about war and what Remembrance is for and we held some silence - even River was quiet. Next year we will get out for the service. I feel bad that we didn't make it this year.

I skyped mum and it was lovely to talk to her - always so bittersweet when there are such distances involved. I wish we were closer and that she was able to enjoy time with the kids. One never quite gets used to living in another country. There is so much that is missed. I am beginning to enjoy skype. We don't have a home phone, so it is necessary for calls to the UK. I don't know why it's taken me so long to get on board.

Bronwyn and I watched a lovely animated movie called "Mary and Max", about the unusual relationship (correspondence) between a lonely young girl in Australia and an older, obese man in New York, who has Aspergers. It really is a good movie. She is getting to an age when we can watch more mature movies and talk about them. This movie seemed to have an impact and she talked about it quite a bit throughout the day. She even sat down and wrote a letter to her cousin, Hannah, in England. Later we went to the grocery store to search for chocolate bars to send to Hannah that might not be available in England. I suggested the "Three Muskateers" bar. But we will have to search further than the local IGA for that. It also enabled me to suggest to her that River had the same inability (as Max) to understand non-verbal communication. I think, slowly, she is gaining some understanding of River. In the moment, she loses all understanding and they are two siblings in an (unfair) fight. But I hope as she gets older that she will begin to understand more.

River was mostly calm today. He is fixated by videos of himself that have been made while he was in one-to-one intervention sessions; mostly for assessment, information purposes. He loves to look back on his old movies. We have experienced many new behaviours over the past while; bouts of 'silliness' that we are simply unable to distract him from. We, and our team, are constantly trying to come up with new strategies to help calm him. What seems to be becoming apparent, as he gets older, is that he is increasingly anxious. The world seems so chaotic and difficult for him to understand and process. It is difficult for most of us...but for kids with autism it is overwhelmingly noisy and strange. We are considering the possibility that he may suffer from an anxiety disorder. His anxiety over poo-ing in the toilet, defecating in general (ongoing since he was a baby) seems to affect all aspects of his life. Currently, we are trying to collect data on his moods and anxiety level; writing things down at regular intervals. We need everyone, home team, school team, after-school club, to participate. We do not know what the triggers to his bouts of 'silliness' are. (Silliness includes, screaming, yelling, bolting, laughing, repeating phrases and lately, hitting, flopping, and kicking). When he is in these phases it is as if he has sunk into the quicksand of his autism and is incredibly difficult to reach. If we can figure out the triggers then we can perhaps intervene before the behaviour has become out of control. If we don't know the triggers or the consequences (and it is usually attention or escape), then we could inadvertently be reinforcing the behaviour. It all seems so complicated. But we keep going, of course.

Trimmed both their hair tonight. Bronwyn wanted layers! Well beyond my scope of expertise. When I finished cutting River's hair, he asked for "Some more off the top." I thought this was hilarious and pretended to cut some more 'off the top'. Watched the Christmas episode of 'Backyardigans' for the millionth time and got them off to bed nice and early.

I was able to submit my second to last assignment for my course. It was on the development of communication and social skills in developmentally delayed children. 'Luckily' for me, something I know a little bit about.

Lots more packing to do, but impossible to do when the kids are around. I should be able to get the keys on Thursday!

Spring Broke

Wow...nearly two weeks have gone by since...well...two weeks ago! Almost made it to the end of Spring Break. Nearly there. Just...Got to...Keep it together...For...Three. More. Days. I feel quite exhausted. The first week I began work at the preschool. I think it's going to work out great. It wasn't an ordinary week because the school was closed for Spring Break and half the kids were away. Next week will be a 'normal' week. On my first day there was a howling wind storm and half way through the morning the power went out and the school was plunged into semi-darkness (to the excitement and delight of the kids). We had to cancel the afternoon class. Weird first day!

This week has been a week of trying to keep the kids entertained and trying to keep River from driving us crazy. He is going through a silly phase at the moment. He has bouts of laughing uncontrollably and screams and yells, or asks repetitive questions; it is not that easy to ignore. Nor is it easy to re-direct him. He loves to act silly in front of mirrors and this house, being an 80's rental, is full of mirrors. Mirrored closet doors have to be one of the worst inventions of all time. When we go to places he often refuses to leave and screams, yells, flops or runs away. It is impossible for me to take him grocery shopping. The only place we can go is the local IGA. It's a very small, local supermarket and the staff know River. They know that his favourite place to hang out is aisle 3. It's the tea aisle. He also enjoys aisle 3 of other stores, so we're not sure what it is. But I can grocery shop in IGA because I know he will likely stay in aisle 3 taking things on and off shelves.

Truth to tell we've become a bit worried about his behaviour lately; it can be exhausting and frustrating to deal with. We also have to get to grips with toileting. He will use the toilet to pee but refuses to poo on the toilet. He knows that he should, but he just won't. There is a strategy we are going to implement soon. It involves taking a whole weekend and getting extra help, but we've heard there has been some success. Hand in hand with that is a fantastic development in his communication. It's baby steps, but he is talking in some sentences and asking appropriate questions. He is also commenting on things, purely for conversation. Every day he comes out with something that is new and surprising. It is very encouraging. Autism is so unpredictable.

Mark was reading the Real Estate forums the other day and came across this post:

***** Says:
March 12th, 2012 at 10:58 am
@****
Yes I agree, but in my world proper ‘rental stock’ is apartment buildings, town homes or houses built for the express purpose of renting to long term tenants, properly managed and marketed as same. NOT living in some dysfunctional middle class family’s basement listening to the autistic child bounce off the walls, hearing the older sister scream that she wants to die.

We instantly thought, "Oh no...our neighbours must have posted that!" Who else? Mark quickly checked the timing of the post. Phew...they were on the way to their vacation at that point. It can't have been them. Also...as we read more carefully, we don't have a basement or a tenant living below us. Close call. So there is another family out there that resembles ours!

In my 'spare' time I have been knitting and trying to catch up on reading and writing. I started "Halfblood Blues", but after its early promise I've kind of lost interest. Think I'll read the Hunger Games. Helen and I continue to work at creating patterns and knitting up samples to put on the Stitches website. It's coming along great.

The birthday bash.

River's birthday party was a lot of fun (and exhausting)! He was engaged and really enjoyed having kids over to celebrate. My friend, Michelle, made a fantastic 'garbage truck' birthday cake for him. It was as delicious as it was fantastic to look at! Now and then River was a little overwhelmed by the noise (note to self: do not by noise-makers), but he participated in all the games and was really excited by all the attention. He has also talked about his birthday and answered questions about it. It was a real hit. And I can set up some play dates for him...fantastic! Here are a few pics:

The fabulous garbage-truck cake

Birthday boy!

Pass the parcel...always a hit!

Time for cake

Make a wish!

Yep, they're all for you!

Present opening time!

A wonderful new truck from Aunty Trini and Uncle Lorne

Happy Birthday River!

Wow...hard to believe. Our sweet, beautiful, funny, smart boy turns 5 today! On Sunday he is going to have a birthday party and we have invited a few of his classmates. The first time he will party with is peers...a milestone for a kid with autism!

Settling in...

We are into October and the kids seem to be settling into school. River seems to be okay with kindergarten, although there are still some anxieties. He has a very inexperienced Special Education Assistant. This made us nervous at first. Some ways of dealing with River (and kids with autism in general) are way better than others. River's has quite a severe communication delay so it takes time to understand him and read his behaviour. Anyway, he decided to try out, and got away with, some behaviours that are not conducive to learning, i.e., running around the classroom and crawling under tables, and being really silly, etc. However, in the past couple of weeks we have worked with River's SEA and with the school. Matt has been willing to come to the house to work with River's ABA interventionists and also with our consultant. Sometimes inexperience matched with a willingness to learn can be a better thing than experience. So River seems happy and is beginning to understand what is expected of him. He's even brought some little projects home that he completed; cutting and pasting type of stuff. We still pull him out 3 times a week for at-home Behaviour Intervention sessions, which he needs. The school is fine with this and so it is working well. So far I am quite encouraged, but it is early days so I am still a little wary. I'm not sure what we are getting into with IEP's (Individualized Education Plans) and all that. Also speech therapy has gone by the wayside as we wait to go on the school board's list.

The other kids in the class seem to accept River. He cannot really communicate with them and they, being only 4 and 5 years olds, lack the patience that is needed to wait for an understandable, 'typical' response from him. But they take an interest and I think we may be able to put together a birthday party for him. It will be the first birthday party that River has invited his peers to!

He is very into garbage trucks...I could write a whole seperate post on it because I know a lot about garbage trucks now, oh yes. We also discovered that there are A LOT of people out there who are into garbage trucks. You may even be one of them. We discovered all kinds of YouTube videos. I even made one for him of the garbage truck going down our own alley. That is a favourite video. His favourite truck is the "side-hauler"...in case you're interested

Here's one of his favourite vids. A treat for all you garbage truck lovers...and you know you're out there! And the music is a cool too.



Bronwyn continues to love school. I hope it stays that way...but doubt that it will. She is growing up so fast it is amazing.

I am putting out feelers (not very successfully) for work. Trying to find references and update my resume. It is scarier than I thought it would be. The world is not a forgiving place; particularly if you are a woman in her 40's who has left the workplace for 5 years. Thinking about working and what I can do...thinking about childcare (and childcare for River in particular) is giving me some anxiety I must admit. But it must be done. Five years is long enough and I am ready to do something else besides being a stay-at-home mum.

There's a small...and boring update. I will try to do more regular updates. I am conscious of the fact that I have slacked off lately. It happens.

River

Yesterday we had our first team meeting with River's new ABA consultant. It went really well and I believe we made the right decision. There's a lot of work to do to get River on track with his new program. I avoid going into details because there is so much "tech-speak" that I find it difficult to describe to people what Applied Behaviour Analysis entails. I don't know how much I understand myself. When I attempt to explain what River spends hours, one-to-one learning there is just not enough time. I see their eyes glaze over. For someone who has no knowledge of autism it is hard to describe how differently these kids learn. Yet, there is so much attention around autism, that I often meet people who think they know what it is. I cannot imagine how it must have been for parents and children years ago, with no help. Would River have ended up in a mental institution? It is a sobering thought.

Now I am feeling a lot of pressure to get him ready for kindergarten in September. My concerns about kindergarten ebb and flow. One minute I am okay with our decision to send him there (we had the option to hold him back in preschool for an additional year). However, in BC you are only entitled to hold a child back for one year. Therefore, if we hold him back at the beginning of his school career, then we would not have the option to hold him back later on, for example in grade 12. It seems a long way away, but perhaps he will need that extra year at the end in order to be able to finish high school. If I envision him in a kindergarten class then he just doesn't seem ready for it. But he needs to learn from his peers and keeping him in preschool, although a safe option,does not seem to be a good choice.

We are assured that he will receive full-time one-to-one classroom support in kindergarten. But I know a lot depends on the support person and their relationship with the classroom teacher. Kids like River can be subtle. He is very verbal and talks all the time. However, he has very limited comprehension and most of what he says is echolalic (echoing what he has just heard, or heard some time ago). I suppose school is just part of the ongoing challenge. Already Bronwyn's friends ask questions about River. They know he is different. "Why does he repeat everything?" "Why doesn't he answer?" "What is he saying?" I am not necessarily worried about bullying (at least not early on). But I am so worried that he will be lonely. He is quite a social boy and I see him try to initiate play, but without the usual skills. Other kids don't know what he is doing...standing beside them, looking and not talking. And after a few minutes River will simply walk away. I hope I can try to get some kind of playdates for him. He's attended 2 different preschools and has never been asked on a playdate. Not even when I have asked other people if they would have a playdate with River so that perhaps their child could help "teach" River some play skills. Perhaps kindergarten will really develop his social skills.

I suppose at times Mark and I have to remind ourselves that no matter what we do or how much he learns, he will be a child, and then a man, with autism. It's not going to go away. But lots will change and we cannot get too caught up in the momentary challenges. As well, we cannot forget how far he as already come. He is a smart, happy boy. As someone said to me recently, this too shall pass, even the good stuff. It is all fleeting.

Reminds me of that famous poem by William Carlos Williams:

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

Keeping busy...

Me babbies off to school...

Here are my babies on the walk to Bronwyn's school. Both with their "familiars" (Bronwyn's, a stuffy and River's, a ball). River now has 4 balls in his collection, although strictly speaking one of them is Bronwyn's. He carries a ball nearly everywhere he goes. What's notable is that I am not taking the stroller many places any more. We've been working on walking (without running) and he is doing so well. He has even started to point things out on the walks (admittedly the same things every time...but it's a start). I am able to take him to the grocery store to buy a few things and he mostly stays with me. His reward at the end is to go up and down the elevator. It is great to be able to go out and about with him and for him to (mostly) stay close. Bronwyn is always fun to walk with. We have some of our best conversations on the way to and from school.

We are currently in the process of changing River's Behavioural Consultant. It's been quite sad and I'll feel better when we have our new routine. This Consultant and her team have been with us since the beginning and they have been great. River has come a long way in nearly two years. But we had always wanted to go with a particular consultant who, up until recently, did not have room for River. It was a tough decision but we decided to change. There were a couple of reasons, but one was just for change itself. I am looking forward to working with the new Consultant. River will keep his current BI's and that is his day to day contact. Aspects of his program will change. I am sorry to say goodbye, but I am looking forward to a fresh look at his intervention program. I just don't like change, and I felt bad about it.

All in all it has been a fun, busy week.On Wednesday morning, I got my baby fix when I went to visit Michelle and baby Miles. Michelle and I aim to make it a regular knitting morning...yay! I may actually, really, finish something! Last night we had dinner with Mike, Sarah and Nicky. It was a good evening. Delicious home-made pizza and good company!

Next Wednesday I will have to forego our knitting morning because I have an appointment for a breast ultrasound. I was hoping not to have to think about that for a while, and I'd forgotten about it until a day or so ago when I happened to check my appointments. It's actually for a small lump that showed up on my right breast a few months ago (just as I was finishing treatment on my left breast). I think it is pretty routine. There are times when I feel like I have time-bombs strapped to my chest.

Off to see "The King's Speech" tonight. I admit I am going because of the hype. Nothing in the premise seems interesting...but I only hear good things about it. I can't even remember the last time I went to a movie. I am going with my good friend Michelle (other Michelle). Looking forward to it. Trini and Lorne are coming over for dinner tomorrow, so I am looking forward to that. Keepin' busy...

Weekend that was

Not a bad weekend, all in all. I meant to phone various people...but sadly did  not get around to it. Mum, I will phone you soon! Procrastination again. And I don't like the phone. My family and people who know me are aware of this. I get a bit of anxiety when the phone starts ringing and have no qualms about leaving a phone unanswered, though I usually screen. I don't like being the phoner either. I have no idea why I am this way. For me, the phone is invasive; almost as bad as the person who just "drops by". For goodness sake! Call first. Oh yeah, I don't answer the phone. Okay, well email. We all have email now and or FB. I'd even email 911:

Emergency@911.com.

Re: FIRE!!!!
OMG! OMG! my house is on fire! Please send a fire engine asap! Thanks, Victoria

Emergency@911.com

Re: Intruder.
An intruder broke into my house. Please send the police. I don't think he is dangerous, at present...because I hit him with a baseball bat and he's not moving...LMAO!!! But you should still send the police asap. Oh...and an ambulance might be helpful. Thx, Victoria

We finally got around to making some sushi this weekend. In fact we did even more than sushi! Of course I am using the royal "we". Mark made the sushi rolls and the sauces. I made miso soup, which is actually the easiest thing to make...about as much time as it takes to boil water. We also did teryaki chicken, tofu rolls and gyoza. Delicious! It was a very fine meal. Now we need to invite someone over so that we can make it all over again. We made too much food for just the two of us.

On Saturday we got together with other parents from an autism online group we participate in. It was good to be able to put faces to names and to talk about various issues we all share. All the kids were great. Bronwyn and River had a good time. Bronwyn especially enjoyed it when the autism dog showed up. You can actually put your name down to receive a specially trained autism dog. It seems like a good idea, but then I don't know how Bronwyn would take it if we got a dog that was for River's needs. We are better off, if/when we do decide to get another dog, to simply get a family dog and train it. I think.

On Sunday I met up with Trini and we decided to do a bit of a photo safari. I took my trusty Pentax Spotmatic SLR (and my Sony Coolpix, a much appreciated Christmas gift from Mark) and we trundled off to Commercial drive. I'm not sure if any of my pictures will turn out. And it is amazing how fast I have become accustomed to the digital format. Using film again, it felt odd that I couldn't check my picture immediately after I'd taken it. I was trying Street Photography, but people kept moving out of my shots because they thought they were in the way. I need to be a bit bolder. A friend sent me a link to a news story about Vivian Maier, an amazing street photographer of the 50s - 90s who remained undiscovered until a journalist picked up a box of negatives/prints etc. for cheap at an auction. Her photographs are fantastic...and inspiring.

It's beginning to look a lot like Winter-muss...

Ho Ho Ho...it's that time of year again. "Winterfest", as Bronwyn's school seems to call it. For heaven's sake! (I mean, for "nice-place's" sake!). This system of watering everything down until it all becomes bland, meaningless, and stupid irritates me. Anyway, that's not what I mean. I mean it's that time of year when I crawl out of bed feeling, and looking, as though I attended a crazy party the night before, got totally bombed, and then slumped into bed at around 3AM. But no, the sad truth is that I got to bed relatively early (and sober), had a few boring dreams AND STILL manage to look and feel like a wreck. It's the time of year when I don't even bother to shower in the morning...I just grab the same clothes that I had on the day before and scrape my greasy hair back into a pony tail. If I'm feeling energetic I will splash water on my face. I drink very strong coffee and hassle the kids, repeating the phrase, "Come on, we're going to be late" about 100 times until it becomes meaningless even to my own ears.  Then I put on my baseball cap and jacket and we head off we go to school...arriving late. Yes, officially, no longer making an effort. Good job school's finished for the year. I need a Winterfest break...soon...it is coming, I can almost hear the jingly-tinkly sound of ice-cubes in a cocktail shaker.

We attended Mark's work "Holiday" dinner on Wednesday. It was at VanDusen gardens. The lights were fantastic; numerous and twinkly, but the music wasn't up to much. It seemed very slow compared to previous shows that we've been to. Maybe my expectations are getting too high. I am often underwhelmed and difficult to impress (I think that's where Bronwyn gets it). When I first saw Stonehenge I was disappointed. To my eternal shame, my first remark was, "It's not as big as I thought it would be." And it wasn't. River enjoyed the lights at VanDusen...I think watching millions of lights turning on and off to music is one of River's dreams comes true. It could only be made better if he could actually switch the lights himself.

Happy Jolly-day!

Thank goodness the winter break is coming and we can try to relax for the "Holiday Festival". Having said that, I am not ready. Oh no...again...another year of not being ready. No festive baking, no seasonal gift shopping done. I'll just try to relax and we can wing it like we usually do. Why make rubbishy mince-pies when there are bakeries that do a much better job?

We did decorate the "Winter tree" last weekend. Here it is...

River had his preschool holiday party today. It was fun, although he spent most of it running around. Santa and his wife came to give out gifts. River didn't really know who they were.

Who are these people?



Jingle bells, jingle bells...

The last picture is pretty amazing; River standing in a circle singing a song and playing an instrument with the other kids. He was totally focused and dancing and singing along. I was very proud of him!

So Friday was Bronwyn's last day of term. She is positively humming after a week of crazed hype and seasonal activities at school. I must admit I do enjoy seeing how excited and happy the kids get. Lately, I have overheard parents (and people on the radio) going on about how the holiday season isn't like it used to be, how kids today are the "right here, right now" generation, how they no longer understand anticipation, how they don't really appreciate the toys they get (and they get too many that break quickly and end up in landfills, polluting the planet) etc., etc. I suppose there is some truth to it. I may be an optimist, but it seems to me that children today are far more knowledgeable and caring than previous generations. I hate to the think of the weight of guilt and responsibility that they have to carry. The messages they hear seem to be something like, "We trashed the planet (with your grandparents and great-grand parents etc) and it's up to YOU to put it right. And if you don't, the planet and all the people and animals will DIE and it will be YOUR fault because you don't appreciate anything. Merry Winter!"

Trials and Tribulations...

Busy week. Really busy week.

Autism update: quite a few meetings regarding River this week (and next); goal setting, team meetings, speech therapy assessment. The team meeting was pretty good. I addressed quite a few concerns that we have with River's program and his progress. ABA is all well and good, but sometimes the consultants get fixed on their goals and they have to be reminded to incorporate stuff that we need to work on for our family. Soon he will be too big for the stroller, and he is almost too heavy to be carried about. He still wanders and bolts...and we are no longer chasing a little toddler, we are chasing a tall, fast 4 year old. So we are going to work on "teaching" River to walk down the street holding my hand. Then we are moving towards the big goal of going to the grocery store (with River walking because he is too big for the cart) and other outings. Sometimes it all seems so slow-going. We also need help to curb River's destructive behaviour. If he does not get one-to-one attention then he resorts to repetitive behaviours that quickly digress into destructive behaviours. His thing at the moment is throwing things and slamming doors...impossible to ignore and very, very annoying! On Tuesday I met up with a woman who also has a 4 year old boy with autism. It was great to chat with someone who could relate to our life in a way that most people (even with the best of intentions) cannot. I think, to a certain extent, that has been something missing with us. I hope we can get the kids together and perhaps develop a friendship.

Poor Bronwyn has had a rough week. She has been tired and not herself for some time now. I decided to take her to the doctor and she had to have a blood test to rule out anything serious. Needless to say the blood test was not fun. I think it was more the thought of it that made her feel panicky (and squeamish) rather than the actual procedure. She watched me having a blood test a while back so I didn't think she'd be so panicked. But she was! Then she has had a problem with her teeth AND growing pains. She woke up one night crying in pain because all her joints hurt. Then a couple of nights later she woke up crying because of toothache. I took her to the dentist...again, not very fun, and it seems she may have an abscess. Now she's on anti-biotics. Added to that she is generally tired and unhappy. My poor little girl. Even her teacher mentioned she has seemed unhappy. The teacher told me that Bronwyn mentions Ellee every single day. She is still fixated on dogs and is convinced she can speak dog and will turn into a dog when she grows up. Maybe it's taking her longer to get over Ellee than we thought.

I borrowed, and am reading, my second ever parenting book, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. The only other one I ever used was "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth (which I thoroughly recommend!). I met with a social worker last week who offered suggestions on how to talk to Bronwyn about River...or about things in general. I think that when I talk to Bronwyn I must resist my urge to fix things, or appear "wise" and all-knowing. I realise that all I accomplish by doing that is to invalidate Bronwyn's feelings. I need to listen more and talk less (this is nearly always one of my New Year's Resolutions). So over the past week or so I have consciously made changes in the way I talk to and listen to her and already I have noticed a positive difference. Maybe there is something to this "listening" thing.

Bronwyn had a sleepover at aunty Trini's last night. I think she had a good time. Ice-cream for breakfast apparently! It's great if she can get over there for sleep-overs now and then and spend time with another adult...it's good for us too.

River turns 4...almost!

Birthday boy!

 A good weekend. We had a small celebration for River yesterday. He turns 4 on Tuesday...already! He doesn't have any "friends" as such, which is typical for kids with autism, and something we continue to work on. But we invited Nicky and Gala over to sing Happy Birthday and share some cake. There wasn't too much mayhem so River seemed to be able to focus a little on the fact that it was HIS birthday celebration. And he seemed to have fun. I was also glad we invited Bronwyn's friends because that was a lot of fun for her. Lately, we are having quite a few issues with Bronwyn and how she feels about River. I can understand her feelings, it is not easy.

We were also dog sitting this weekend for my friend, Michelle. Her dogs, Baillie and Kelli came to stay for a couple of nights. We gave  Bronwyn the responsibility of looking after them (kind of) and she really enjoyed having them here. They were relatively relaxed and it was nice to have dogs around.


Bronwyn cuddling with Baillie

River jumping beside Kelli

Bronwyn had her first sleep over on Friday night at her friend Gala's. She had a great time and felt very grown up. She did miss us though - especially in the middle of the night.

And we woke up to snow on Saturday morning. Admittedly, just a dusting...but it's still snow. Bronwyn's sleepover was extended to a playdate and fort-building in the snow!

It was a good weekend...perhaps it will help with the general sense of inadequacy as a mother I have been experiencing lately. I keep wondering if I am doing enough. The kids don't do any organized extra-curricular activities; no hockey, or t-ball, or soccer, or dance lessons. I hardly ever take them swimming...or ice-skating. Bronwyn's only been to the cinema once (although she never asks to go). We don't go to restaurants very often. I don't help them make complicated structures out of glue and egg boxes. I don't bake cookies that often. I don't give puppet shows or whatever it is that other parents do. Am I being "out-parented" by everyone around me? I am beginning to wonder. Are the kids somehow being deprived of experiences that they should be having? The thing is that I need time by myself and I need to indulge my own interests and relationships. At times it feels difficult to maintain a balance. Blah blah...stop moaning...just think what they have to look forward to!

Friday

I woke up with this song in my head today. "Love Letters" by Ketty Lester. One of my all-time favourites. Elvis did a version, which is the first version I heard...not bad. No comparison to Ketty Lester.



Hello Friday, how d'you get here so fast? A pretty good week, though it seems a bit of a blur. The best thing is that Bronwyn is feeling back to normal. No more laying on the couch shouting orders. Actually, she was quite sick, poor thing. I try to be a good nurse, I really do. Mark managed to escape and have a relaxing overnight camping trip. It didn't make sense for both of us to suffer. I now have an overnight trip in the "bank" and will be going for my own getaway very soon.

I find that when there is a lot of rain I don't really remember what happens to the days. They just get rinsed into one long period of wetness. However, on Tuesday the sun broke out and I went for a bike ride in Pacific Spirit Park. It has been a some time since I rode the trails, and I have been meaning to do it for a while. Lots of twisty, leafy trails and not too many hills. Shafts of sunlight broke through the branches and fallen leaves in an array of fall colours covered everything. Very beautiful. And not too muddy - 'though I don't mind a bit of mud. I have arranged a date with the woods for the next non-rainy day that comes along.

I took River swimming before preschool yesterday morning. His preschool has a little warm swimming pool (more like a huge bath) that we can use on Thursday mornings. Other people signed up, but we were the only ones there. He was hesitant at first, it was new and our sounds bounced around in a strange way. He stood at the side shivering in his little swim trunks that sit above his belly button. Small boys and old men wear their pants in the same way, I noticed. Anyway, he began to relax and put his feet in the water. Then, when he felt how warm it was, he got really comfortable. I took him to the "deep" end...it's only about a metre and half. It was a lovely to spend that time with him. If I could have a row of jars in which I collected treasures and memories I'd like to preserve, I'd have a jar that preserved the feeling of being in the warm water and holding his small body against mine, his little arms wrapped around me.

Can I have more want?

That is one of my favourite River phrases. That and, "I wanna don't want it". He has spent a good deal of time learning Applied Verbal Behaviour and learning ways to ask for the things that he wants. Getting what you want is a reinforcement and encourages further asking (something like that)..."Manding" is the terminology. So much of our communication is made up of demands or commands (e.g., "I'm hungry", "What time is it?", "Play with me", "Turn it off!"). The theory is that "Manding" is the first step in teaching language because it is based on motivation. I don't know...I feel like I need to go back to university to understand all this stuff sometimes. They should have a course just in dealing with the Ministry. Anyway, he's learned various ways of asking for things, "Please can I have...", "I need...", I want" etc. So if he can't figure out exactly what he wants, or can't find the vocabulary, then he says very politely, "Please can I have more want?" And who doesn't want more want?

Thursday already. I have kept River home from school so that he has an extra day to recover from his flu. He continued to have a high temperature right through to Tuesday. He is better today, but school seems to take a lot out of him and he seems exhausted and not himself when he gets home. I'm sure it is good for him, and necessary, but it is definitely not easy. He handles it well considering it must be so confusing and somewhat isolating.

We are dog-sitting Arthur today (King Arthur as I like to call him). It's nice to have a dog around...though we're nowhere near ready to get another one.

We took a walk on the Canyon Loop trail at Pacific Spirit Park. It's a great walk to do in the fall; all blazing golds and reds and carpeted with Maple leaves, although I think the best of the colour is over. Still, we had a good walk.

River made it all the way round (although there was some whining, coercion, and bribery involved), Arthur was in his element and was a kind of manic canine blur, excitedly running back and forth. But he stayed close-ish...and followed River every time he went ahead.  It was good to get out in the trails again...with a dog. Thanks Nicole and Gala.



Here comes the ....rain.

Woke up this morning to a dark, rain-soaked world and a sore throat. The cold that I have been trying to fight for the last few days seems to have taken hold in the night. Another night with not much sleep. My body seems to have forgotten how to sleep and it is very annoying. On the nights when I can sleep, River decides that 2am is a great time to wake-up and have some fun. On the nights when he sleeps, my body decides to lay awake. I'm not sure what is up. I am wondering if we simply lose our ability to sleep as we get older.

We have been worrying about River lately and those type of worries are true 3am worries. The type that keep you up for hours, but don't seem so bad in the light of day (I use the term "light" loosely...I am hard-pressed to describe the grey, dismal cloak outside the window as "light"). I think I really have to get a handle on his intervention program. We had a team meeting yesterday and today I met with another consultant who pointed out things that could be different in his program. The thing that is lacking is the skills needed to begin any kind of conversation with River (or him with us). This seems to be so slow in coming. She gave me some ideas and showed me some clips of other kids at different stages in their intervention programs. I was a little dismayed at the progress some of these kids had made compared to River. I think it is a lot to do with his program, it is good, but too slow. I need to take a more active role and take more control of his targets.

The consultant today gave me loads of ideas and offered to help me put together some "scripts" and storyboards for various routines. This way we can go through some routine activities with River until he has memorized the elements that make up those routines and be able to tell us what comes next etc. The hope is that he can then generalize this into other activities so that we can talk about various things/activities and what to expect...what we like, don't like etc. What is wonderful is that she is just doing this to help. No payment. She's even going to take a Saturday morning to show me how to make the "scripts/story boards on the computer. It's great to find someone like that. We found her by accident when we were frantically calling around (ANYONE) when we first received River's diagnosis and were completely overwhelmed. She guided us through the whole complicated system of autism funding/supported childcare/finding ABA consultants/finding behavioural interventionists/occupational therapists/speech therapy etc. She works with Vancouver's Infant Development Program. This is a great resource for parents with babies and young children with special needs. I have heard that cut-backs are coming. I just hope this program stays intact. It is an invaluable resource to parents like us. I think I may have to write letters to government!

River is still wandering. Perhaps more so these days. He takes off whenever I take, or pick up, Bronwyn from school. Luckily, I have met a few parents who know what River is like and how fast he can move. There are a few pairs of eyes looking out for him, which is fantastic. I'm so glad we moved schools. There are aspects of the old school we miss, but we have maintained some friendships and that is good. We had Callum and Conan (and Helen) over today which was great. Callum and Bronwyn were in kindergarten together. Helen and I made plans (again) to go for a beer which will be fun. We just need to make sure it's a non-hockey day because otherwise the bars are ridiculous. I will make a plan.

Bronwyn seems to have hitched a ride on the play date train this week. It's great...but busy! Halloween is fast approaching and I don't feel like anything is ready. It is also going to be Mark's birthday. Unfortunately, his birthday always ends up taking a back seat to Halloween. I am sure we'll come up with something. It's pumpkin carving day tomorrow....yay!

A week in review...

A short update on this weeks happenings...

Saturday: Bronwyn and I attending an improvisation singing circle with our friends Nicole and Gala. I wasn't sure how we would like it at first, although Nicole had described it to me. But I though it would be fun to try....and it was (once the group warmed up and I lost some of my inhibitions). Bronwyn and Gala really enjoyed it too. It is amazing the beautiful music people can make using only voices (no words) in various rhythms and harmonies.

Sunday: a wonderful rainy walk in the woods with the kids and Ellee.

Monday: the beginning of Bronwyn's first full week in her new class. It's a K/1 split and I had reservations at first. But she loves it. There are only 5 grade ones (and I think 11 kids in total). It's a very small cohesive group. The grade 1 kids have really bonded and I think it's great that for half the day there is a 5-1 ratio with the teacher (and that's if all kids show up). I am happy for Bronwyn, who already exhibits a new found independence and "big girl" attitude. But at the end of the day I worry about school and how it affects kids and I wonder what they really learn. Homeschooling would be better...but I don't think we could make it work.
The new BI started...so great for River!

Tuesday: Something wrong with Ellee. She could hardly walk and wasn't eating. Could she decline so fast...she was walking in the woods on Sunday. We've given her glucosamine. I think she injured her hip. Maybe she slipped on the floor while we were out. I think we need to get some sort of non-slip paw coverings for her back paws. Poor thing. It is so sad to see her growing old. Had Gala and Nicole over for a fun playdate. They brought their big, bouncing, energetic 3-year old Lab/German Shepherd over too. He was a real "gentleman" in the house. I was struck by how little attention he paid to Ellee. Normally, dogs (and especially young dogs) want to sniff/play etc. But he left Ellee alone and when I thought about it, I've noticed a similar behaviour with other dogs. I wonder if they naturally realise she is old and give her some space. I think so.

Wednesday: Ellee seemed to perk up a bit. Still didn't eat much though..or move much. We visited Bronwyn's old school in the afternoon and Bronwyn had a play with her friend Nicky, who she hasn't seen for a few weeks. It was like old times! And it was a beautiful fall day!

Thursday: River didn't seem to want to go to school. He doesn't have the ability to tell me he doesn't want to go to school, but every time we turned a corner towards school he'd say, "No, I want to go that way", and point in another direction. Then he'd say, "I want to go see May" (May is his BI who works with him on the days he's not in school), "I want to go park". He pushed out his lower lip and seemed very sad. He was telling me that he wanted to be with May (or do anything) rather than go to school. It suddenly occurred to me that I have taken for granted River's extremely compliant, happy nature.

He is spending the day with strangers. It is the longest he's ever spent without me, Mark, Bronwyn, or one of his BI's. My poor little boy...it is so overwhelming and he is feeling more anxiety than I realised. I watched him through the one-way glass. He was okay, very sweet and good with the adults, following instructions etc. But he was sucking his fingers the whole time and didn't seem to understand what he was supposed to do there. He doesn't interact with the other kids at all. He doesn't mind them being there, but he only does things by himself and I worry about that. I'm afraid that he will be so lonely in school and that thought pulled at my heart-strings. I will see what he's like on Tuesday.

Today is Friday...raining. I have a cold (what fun!). But Ellee seems to have perked up a bit. I made her a mixture of ground beef, brown rice, carrots, and olive oil. She has at least eaten something. I hope she isn't dying. I'm not ready for that.

Saturday: What is in the future?

September? Back to school?!?! What??

How the hell did that happen? I was lazing around on the beach enjoying summer when all of a sudden September knocks on the door and brings with it a whole pile of stuff-to-do. Very quickly the pile turned into a snowball and it's started rolling down a hill; things are accelerating very rapidly.

Bronwyn has her first full day at school today. She didn't even want me to be there for lunch. She is becoming so independent. I am looking forward to 3pm and hearing all about it (although I'm sure all I'll hear is "it was alright"). I am slowly becoming an unwelcome visitor to her own little world.

I really enjoy the short (6 or 7 minute) walk to school. Also, we have met quiet a few parents and kids in the neighbourhood and through other friends that it didn't seem completely new and "alien". Bronwyn sees school as full of possibilities and potential friendships. Not to be cynical, but I wonder how long it will take the school-system to knock that out of her...

River is starting a new preschool (I've already had 3 meetings regarding that alone). It's gradual entry; more like snail-pace entry. By Christmas we should have him inf for a full day...if we're lucky! We just lost one of our much loved Behaviour Interventionists. She took the summer off and decided not to return to Vancouver. So now we have to find a new one to work with River. That means interviews, training and getting them up to speed. It also means more change for River. Oh well, these things happen.

We had a good labour day weekend...lead up to the momentous first day of school.

Monday: Mainly relaxation and getting things ready. I did a 12km run (in the rain)...it wasn't too bad. My hips ached a bit, but I am trying to extend my runs a bit.

Sunday: I took Bronwyn back to the PNE. We had such a good time. She got to see the Super Dogs again. We sat in front and Bronwyn barked (instead of clapping). Then she ran around on all fours and pretended to be a dog, while wearing her dog outfit..so sweet!

I took her on the Scrambler...a ride that propels you around in your cart, while the whole ride also spins. She loved it! We ate chips, donuts, and candy-floss and when we arrived home Bronwyn felt like throwing up...a good day at the fair!

Saturday: We took a trip down to Tower Beach (near UBC). It was a particularly windy day. Tower Beach is one of my favourite parts of the coastline; rugged and pebbly with waves crashing in and knocking the pebbles against each other, so you hear the clacking sound as the tide recedes. It's a good spot for looking and listening, and relaxing. We also set up some driftwood "targets" and did some pebble-throwing target practise, which was fun.