In other news, as my family will testify, I was born with an affliction known as "foot in the mouth" disease. Incidentally, do NOT Google this term and then click "images". Nasty. Apparently many people confuse it with 'Foot and Mouth disease".....and then post pictures. Not the same thing at all. Anyway, I had a strange knack, from quite early on...well, from when I learned to talk actually, of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Charming in a child perhaps...not so charming as that child becomes adult and goes around innocently insulting people. It wasn't so long ago that I actually asked a mum at school...who was simply standing in an odd position while wearing a baggy jumper, (and perhaps, maybe looked happy, or glowing) if she was....ya know...expecting. "Ha ha"..she replied..."No I'm not. I just stand in an odd way". Devastated by my blunder, I started muttering on about the way her jumper was hanging...and her coat being big and a-line....blah blah...a desperate fruit fly trying to crawl out of a glass of wine; my brain trying to stop my mouth from talking. Too late.
Yesterday, I excelled in this regard. The scene is the freezing cold schoolyard after school. A few brave parents huddle in small groups and talk about their children. Children run around hanging off things, spinning on things, and hiding in bamboo, apparently oblivious to cold. River teleports to different areas of the playground. I begin chatting to a woman I know from school who I haven't seen for a while (because Bronwyn hasn't been at school that much lately). We leisurely swap tales of flu and sick children, the weather, and holidays. She mentions how she just hopes her family are well in time for their holiday to Mexico in a couple of weeks.
Me: Wow, Mexico, that will be great. I wish I could go on holiday somewhere. Everyone seems to be going somewhere, Even Mark is going to Vegas in a few weeks.
Her: Why don't you and the kids get a flight and go with him?
Me: No. I don't think it's that kind of trip....and I'm not that kind of wife (even though I have no idea what I meant by that). I'm going to plan my own trip away. Without children. In fact, I was actually planning Vegas for my 40th birthday. (Loose plans...I got pregnant with River 9 months before).
Her: Well, I'm thinking of going to New York with some girlfriends for my birthday. Believe it or not I've never been.
Chit chat about New York and an opportunity for me to boast a bit about having been there a few times.
Me: You should definitely do that, it will be fun. When is your birthday?
Her: Oh, not until September.
Me: Well, you have a while yet. (Pause) Is it a big birthday?
Her: (Confused look).What do you mean?
Me: Well...is it a milestone birthday?
Her: (Confused look continuing). I'm not sure what you mean.
Me: Well...errr...does it have a zero on the end?
Her: (A raised eyebrow look that says, "what are you talking about?)
Me: I mean, is it a decade or something like that?
Her: What?? Oh....no...(nervous laughter) it's not 40 or anything. I'm only 34.
At this point, having inadvertently told a 34 year old woman that she could pass for 40 (or some "decade"), it is obvious to all that the last thing one should do is ACT SURPRISED!
Me: (Acting surprised)...Wow, really??? Only 34! Wow! You're still a young thing!
The damage was irrevocable.
Her: Yes...(uncomfortable look). Well, they say each child adds 10 years to you.
Me: Really, ha ha ha...then I'd be 64!
Her: Yes, you would.
Then she said she had to go and gathered up her children to leave.
I didn't even realise my gaffe until hours later when I was retelling the story to Mark. Really...she may not speak to me again. I didn't even narrow it down to 40. I just said "decade"...it could have been 50. For goodness sake, Vicky...get a grip. And it's not that I thought she looked like 40...I have no idea why I said it. What does 40 even look like? What does any age look like? Why didn't she say she was 34 from the get go. Arrgghhh...and I wonder why I can't get playdates for Bronwyn.
