Not Quite New Year

Hena taking River down the slope

Yes, it's me. Still here. I'm gonna try again to keep up this thing. As usual, I am mad at myself for missing so much. River's 8th birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve at the beach (well, I think I will still post a little about that). Recent trip to Calgary, new jobs....too many new jobs! Kids and outings. All the things that I started this blog in order to document. Of course, I am still journaling - but it's not for anyone's eyes but mine, and not particularly useful. I may recap some events, but time keeps passing and I don't want to play too much catch up. I'll just start from here.

Might as well get down to it, so here are a few pictures from our recent few days in Calgary, visiting Mike's parents. It was a good trip. Not without it's awkwardness, which I could go into if I had more time. It was nice to spend time with them and Gloria kept plying us with delicious food, which is always welcome. We also spent time with Hena, Nicky's cousin (Bronwyn and River's step-cousin?). The kids had fun together and Hena did a great job at teaching River to swim...and toboggan (until a bunch of kids, unexpectedly, crashed into him at the bottom of the hill). We were only in Alberta for a few days last weekend, but on Monday we borrowed the car and drove to Banff. My first visit. We'd arrived in Calgary on the Friday and had already spent the weekend at their place. River had been on his best behaviour. Staying under control and contained takes a lot of effort for River. Just following along with everything, especially new things, is a challenge, but he did well. And we were quite busy; toboganning, swimming at the pool attached to their complex, visiting. It meant that the drive to Banff was a chance for him to relax and so he was quite silly on the way there and driving us crazy. Just as we got to Banff he took a deep breath and announced, "Ok, I've stopped being silly now". "Thank you", we said in relief. I do believe that it is difficult for him to control his silliness when he's had a period of time where he's tried hard to keep control. It tells me what a struggle school must be. Overall, he is doing very well these days and it is good to see. The kids had a great time playing and swimming. They actually took some minutes away from their devices...gasp!

Banff was beautiful, but cold. Around -10 (which is very cold as far as I am concerned). We walked around the Banff Springs Hotel, which is quite an amazing building; majestic and well positioned in the snow-capped mountains. We were playing out in the snow, which was mainly what the kids were interested in doing, and a friendly passer-by/conference goer offered to take our picture. Bronwyn perched herself on top of the mounty statue. Nicky is in the background, leaning on the horse. Of course I will post better pictures as I get back in the groove.

Family in Banff

Mike and Nicky at the top of the hill

Look out below!

Nicky, Bronwyn, and Hena

Banff Hotel

River and I walking in snowy hills near the house

 

The family photo

It was River's first time on an airplane since he was 7 months old. He was very nervous, and so was I. Everyone assured me that he'd be fine, but I wasn't so sure. I had visions of him panicking at take-off. My fears proved unfounded. A few deep breaths and he remained quite calm and even said he really enjoyed going on planes. What a relief!

There have been quite a few adventures since my last post, and I wish I had written about them. Where I can I will try to add some notes about them. The whole purpose of this is to try to record happenings in our lives, mostly for my own benefit and so the kids have something to look back on...and also so that far away relatives, who are bored, will have something to do when every other form of entertainment has been exhausted. Back soon.

Bike Ride to Granville Island

Boat houses at Granville Island

It's already Wednesday and so easy to get behind with updates. Busy weekend with Nicky here. Time flies by and my head spins. Got my taxes done on Saturday...a chore that I am glad to have out of the way. It rained all day, so we stayed in and around home. Bronwyn at her friend's birthday party, Nicky on a play date, River on his own (as usual) playing "Plants vs. Zombies" on his ipad. I need to work harder to provide him with play dates. (What does autism look like? For one thing, it looks like a 7 year old boy who has never been asked for a play date!) He does have a friend to play with, but I need to initiate these play dates, and I need to do more. I perpetually feel like I am failing him. I suspect I am always going to feel that way. But on to Sunday....

Jeronimo!

On Sunday the weather was good and so we decided to bike down to Granville Island. It was a good ride. No complaining from the kids as they sped along. Even River kept up...legs spinning a mile a minute. We tried out the new bike path along Point Grey Rd (an expensive conversion to enable rich people to get out of their driveways). It was weird to ride along there without traffic.

Nicky attempting the bigger jumps

We stopped off at the Jump Park underneath the Burrard St. bridge. Some of the park is for skilled riders...but there is a little slopping part to the side and Bronwyn and River thought they were Evil Kievel (I guess that shows my age!) as they went up and down the slopes - slowly and carefully. "Whoa" yelled River..."Jeronimo!" Nicky is more proficient and can attempt the bigger hills and jumps. He tried a couple and then slipped and got a little injured. But he got back on and tried again.

Glass blowing at Granville Island

There are enough of us to make a 'crowd'

Water taxi parking lot

Had fun at Granville Island; playgrounds, ice-cream, market (avoiding 'killer seagulls'). We stopped off to watch a guy blowing glass in his studio; kids were fascinated as he put the glass into the bright orange furnace and manipulated the shape. We speculated on what it could be...a vase, we decided. The police had quardened off a section of road near the market; a "police incident". Bronwyn and Nicky were morbidly fascinated when they learned that someone had died and endlessly speculated on what could have happened. We found out later that someone had jumped from the Granville Bridge and onto the concrete below...a shocking scene that I am glad we did not see. If we'd been half an hour earlier, we may not have been so lucky. I didn't mention this to the kids. Bronwyn is morbid enough as it is.

Motley crew...we told them to look serious...really!

Back to it.

Back to work...back to school. Was hard to get back into the groove this week. Two weeks is a long break and it feels like we have all struggled to get up in the mornings. Well, it doesn't just feel that way...it has been that way. The kids at the preschool are also a little slow getting into the swing of things. Progress was helped by the weather that has been very spring-like; warm and sunny with blossoms bursting out all over Vancouver streets.

River was very happy to get back his aide. She has been with him for over a year and left to pursue a different position last term. River was very upset. Consistency and routine is very important to him and this is a major factor in how he deals with the anxiety of school life. The school has not been very forthcoming with information and it is very frustrating to be the last to know about these things...not to mention having little or no input in the decisions about who works with your child (their experience, training etc). So we were not sure when he got to school who would be there. But S. was back and I could see that he was very happy and has had a good week. For how long she is back, we don't know.

I have arranged a meeting with the principal next week to talk about some kind of empathy program in River's class and in the school. There have been a few instances of (for want of a better word) bullying and poking fun. River does  not seem to be aware of the instances of poking fun; things like kids running away from him when he wants to play with him. He will simply be unsure of why they run away from him laughing. As well, he is does not understand why a kid hits him or kicks him. So much so that he will continue to want to be that child's friend because, for whatever reason, he has taken a liking to the child. He will just wonder why they hurt him. If he is told that they are being mean, he will repeat that they are mean, but without seeming to have any real understanding of what their behaviour actually means. In school the onus seems to be on River to choose better friends...even though this is difficult for him. But the fact is that some of his peers are lacking in some crucial empathy skills. Inclusion should come hand in hand with demystification and raising awareness of what makes kids different. Instead, I feel like schools simply incorporate kids with disabilities with little or no discussion or information. They are the elephant in the room; everyone knows they are different...but everyone pretends not to notice. Except some of these kids have not even learned feigned unawareness, or anything else. They have learned that it is easy to be overtly mean to a kid that is less able to fight back. I am beginning to wonder if we can actually teach empathy to kids, or whether they learn through observing how adults behave, and talk; as well as through reading comprehension (which requires empathy with characters and their situations). Is this happening...or happening enough?

Get the party started...

Spring break 2014. After a fairly relaxing weekend for Mike and I, we are getting ready to fill up spring break with entertainment. Or should we just relax and let the kids do what they want; which we know would consist of staring at screens for most of the 2 weeks. Like every modern-day parent, we have to fight the lure of the ipad/itouch/computer for the attention of our kids.

Bronwyn has become something of a reader. Proud at the speed with which she gets through a book. Her suggestion of things to do during the break was read. OK! She spent last night at her best friend, Izzy's, birthday party. I will get her soon and quite possibly have to listen to which girl was exclusive and which girl was being rude etc. At this age it seems that girls are very highly competitive and judgmental about each other...does that change? (rhetorical question).

The problem is getting River unglued from his ipad and, in particular, from the game "Plants vs Zombies". If permitted, he will play this game  non-stop. He will also talk about it non-stop - to anyone who will listen. It takes quite an effort to pull him away and coerce him into playing something else like Lego.

The rained poured down on Saturday and Sunday...it is March and this is Vancouver, no surprises there. Of course this scuppered our plans for a long walk and so, instead, we watched the final couple of episodes of True Detective. It was okay. A bit of an anti-climax. I am skeptical of all the hype, anyway. The characters are interesting, particularly Rust - the sub-plot is the oh-so-familiar hunt for a serial killer who is torturing and killing/raping women and children (is there really nothing else??). Stereo-types of dubious evangelic extremists groups. Wonderful scenery and sets. But no intriguing women characters. Apparently in this ground-breaking series they kept to all the formulaic traditions of a serial killer-detective show. Perhaps it was considered just TOO ground-breaking (the audience just isn't ready for it!) to write a role for a woman that wasn't as a dead person (carefully crafted dialogue and images that lead us to picture a rape and torture scene), a prostitute, or a nagging wife/girlfriend. This gets tiresome for me. So I was entertained as long as I could push these glaring defects off to one side.

After a Saturday spent lazing together, we went over to Trini and Lorne's for dinner and drinks. This felt incredibly grown up. We had a good time and it was great to catch up. They live 5 minutes away and yet we don't get together very much. I'd like to alter that pattern. We chatted and talked about this and that, entertained ourselves with their 3 cats (one of who is very shy), and commented on photos as they came up on the TV/computer screen-saver. It was fun. Mike and I, even after a year of living together, still consider ourselves a new couple; emerging slowly into the world of a dinners and outings with other people. We are both relatively quiet homebodies too - it has to be said. Sunday was another lazy day. Reading. I am reading "The In-between World of Vikram Lall", and thoroughly enjoying it. Mark brought the kids back after they spent the weekend with him. And now we begin.

Let's try this again...

Been meaning to update...but days go by, then weeks, then months....you know how it is.

I have missed so much over the past months and it is a shame. So we're back.

A recap: River had a birthday and turned 7. School is okay. There have been some bullying incidents and I can only hope it is the not start of the way things will be for him. A couple of incidents where he was hit and others where he's been laughed at. I am meeting/working with the teacher and principal to figure out what we can do. It seems to me that the other kids could use some education and empathy. However, overall he seems to be having a better time at school than he had last year. We still continue to work with him to help him with social communication and to give him tools that regulate his behaviour. He is definitely progressing...but, as is typical with autism, it's a slow road.

Bronwyn is doing well at school. Anxious over her grades and determined to get straight A's. She's become a good chess player and, overall, an avid game player and reader. She's smart. A lot smarter than I was/am. It's a little disconcerting. I will talk more about some of the books that she is reading as well as my own.

Nicky is my step-son and Bronwyn and River's step brother. Full of energy and great at socializing - he plays all kinds of games with River and is, without question, River's idol. He is also good friends with Bronwyn and they have a good time together when he is with us.

I continue to work at the preschool/language centre. It is hard work. Rewarding, but exhausting and challenging at the same time. And criminally underpaid. I am looking forward to spring break. I am proud that I have motorbiked to work almost every day. I should also be using my wonderful blue bicycle (pics later), but I am a fair weather cyclist. Mike cycles to work day in and day out, putting me to shame.

I will fill in more details of our lives as I go along. But here's some recent pics...

 Mike and I continue our 'big walks' around the city and further. We go anywhere from 15 to 20km and walking downtown and all around, including picking up buns at New Town Bakery in China town. A well-known and amazingly busy bakery/restaurant on Pender st., famous for their steamed buns. Will get pics the next time we are there. This view was from Canada Place looking to the south. I think it is a city view that one does not usually see. Walking around the city has been a wonderful way to really get to know Vancouver. We don't have the time to walk as much as we did...but we try to do one or two big walks when the kids are with Mark.

This past weekend (against my advice because I said they should plan it and have more stuff...what do I know?!) the kids decided to have a small yard sale. They made a few dollars...but it was cute that they had the idea and, without assistance, carried it out. Looking forlorn was a good strategy as well. River bought back a couple of his own toys (although Bronwyn denies they were his). Here he is negotiating the purchase of wind up chattering teeth.

 Nicky cannot resist smiling...but Bronwyn maintains her stern countenance. Often frowning, just like I used to (still do!) I hope she is not cursed with the major frown lines that sit on my forehead.

 Bronwyn and Nicky walking to Jericho. Bronwyn loving her 'fur' coat and beginning to work on her own unique style. Both in their (ridiculous) high top shoes.

Kids busy breaking rocks on the beach...always some rocks that need smashing.

Mike - who hates any pictures of himself but, oh well, I like them.

River taking in the beach and the city view.

Still working on various projects - knitting/crochet...and still reading; just not as much as I would like. Time is the commodity that is always in short supply.

So this is were we start from....more to follow. 

Back again....new chapters

Bronwyn in the sunset - by Mike

Dear Blog...it has been months since you last heard anything from me...

Months of stuff happening that I have not blogged about. The other day Bronwyn said, "You don't write your blog anymore, do you?" She's never read it to my knowledge. I don't know where the thought came from. Perhaps noticing I hadn't talked about it. My sitting-at-the-computer time has become very short...and I haven't been taking pictures 'for the blog' as I used to all the time. But she reminded me of why I started it in the first place. Or at least one of the reasons; so that she would have something to look back on and read later on. I mentioned that reasoning to her and she replied, "That would be very sad."
"Bittersweet", I corrected her. But surely a wonderful gift?

So it is the beginning of September...the end of a long and warm summer. We have been routinely sweeping sand from the floor of the apartment and emptying it from our backpacks and towels, after multiple trips to the beach. Labour Day weekend. It has been nearly a year since I last updated. A year full of events, happenings and emotions that it would be laborious for me to list here. It is easier if I just recap a little and then continue on. Of course, it is the nature of break-ups that I can only show and tell my part of the story.

We moved house last November, just a few blocks from our old place. Older, cheaper, but in a great location.  A simple 2 bedroom place in part of an old Kits house; a little ramshackle apartment. We have the original living room and kitchen; wood floor, high ceilings and big windows. The converted basement for bedrooms - low ceilings, sort of haphazardly strung together. An incredibly small bathroom with a low ceiling that means that anyone taller than 5'5" must stoop. But this is a great neighbourhood and we are only a few blocks from our last place and only a few blocks from Mark's apartment.

I began a new full-time job in March; teacher at a language development preschool. It's an intense, but rewarding job. The hardest thing about working full-time is being disconnected from the kid's school life. This is especially true for River. With resources for special needs education being reduced all the time, I fear he does not get the support that he needs. His anxiety level at school is  high (as it is for many kids with autism) and he has begun to dread going. He was staggering, teary-eyed, towards the end of grade 1, and I am worried about grade 2. As yet the school has not given me any information that would enable me to prepare him. So I am preparing myself for another year of school visits and letter-writing.

Bronwyn turned 9 in June. A smart, funny, quasi-tomboy; expert tree-climber. River learned to ride a bike (something we thought we'd never see), and he's also mostly poo-ing in the toilet (again, something we wondered if he'd ever do!). His communication has come on in leaps and bounds. Wonderful and positive, changes. His rigidity and OCD tendencies are also more pronounced now that he is older - something we work on daily.

The children spend almost half their week with Mark, and the rest of the time with with Mike and I. To be brief, Mike and I became lovers and we now live together. Mike's son, Nicky, lives with us every other weekend and some weeks during school vacation. He is also 9 years old and he is great friends with Bronwyn and a real live-wire, full of boyish drive and energy and great fun. River looks up to him like a big brother. He is one of the very few kids who have patience to play with River and talk to him, show him things. All in all things are usually quite busy around here.

Things are settling into some kind of routine.  We have had a full summer - taking the kids on adventures and biking around the city. But this is it for another year. I ride my motorbike to work every day to work and I love it. I got my license in October. Passed first time! We decided against buying a car as neither of us gets paid very much and funds are low. We have to be creative - but we acknowledge that we make sacrifices on 'stuff' so that we can live in this neighbourhood.

I feel like I need a new name for this blog. Must begin to think of one... In the meantime, here's some pictures from the past year...

Cypress in the snow

Calgary

Keeping up the branches

Stealth camping and hiking on the north shore

Catching jellyfish at the beach

Mike and his sister Kennan

Mask Bronwyn discovered lying at the bottom of a tree stump

River at the mud flats

Mud pie target practise

Superbike

 

Rainy Sunday

A cold rainy day today; the perfect day to stay indoors and relax. Remembrance Day. We listened to the service from Ottawa on the CBC radio. Today, of course, was a solemn occasion on the radio. I found my eyes filling up with tears as we heard the last post bugle call. Bronwyn and I talked about war and what Remembrance is for and we held some silence - even River was quiet. Next year we will get out for the service. I feel bad that we didn't make it this year.

I skyped mum and it was lovely to talk to her - always so bittersweet when there are such distances involved. I wish we were closer and that she was able to enjoy time with the kids. One never quite gets used to living in another country. There is so much that is missed. I am beginning to enjoy skype. We don't have a home phone, so it is necessary for calls to the UK. I don't know why it's taken me so long to get on board.

Bronwyn and I watched a lovely animated movie called "Mary and Max", about the unusual relationship (correspondence) between a lonely young girl in Australia and an older, obese man in New York, who has Aspergers. It really is a good movie. She is getting to an age when we can watch more mature movies and talk about them. This movie seemed to have an impact and she talked about it quite a bit throughout the day. She even sat down and wrote a letter to her cousin, Hannah, in England. Later we went to the grocery store to search for chocolate bars to send to Hannah that might not be available in England. I suggested the "Three Muskateers" bar. But we will have to search further than the local IGA for that. It also enabled me to suggest to her that River had the same inability (as Max) to understand non-verbal communication. I think, slowly, she is gaining some understanding of River. In the moment, she loses all understanding and they are two siblings in an (unfair) fight. But I hope as she gets older that she will begin to understand more.

River was mostly calm today. He is fixated by videos of himself that have been made while he was in one-to-one intervention sessions; mostly for assessment, information purposes. He loves to look back on his old movies. We have experienced many new behaviours over the past while; bouts of 'silliness' that we are simply unable to distract him from. We, and our team, are constantly trying to come up with new strategies to help calm him. What seems to be becoming apparent, as he gets older, is that he is increasingly anxious. The world seems so chaotic and difficult for him to understand and process. It is difficult for most of us...but for kids with autism it is overwhelmingly noisy and strange. We are considering the possibility that he may suffer from an anxiety disorder. His anxiety over poo-ing in the toilet, defecating in general (ongoing since he was a baby) seems to affect all aspects of his life. Currently, we are trying to collect data on his moods and anxiety level; writing things down at regular intervals. We need everyone, home team, school team, after-school club, to participate. We do not know what the triggers to his bouts of 'silliness' are. (Silliness includes, screaming, yelling, bolting, laughing, repeating phrases and lately, hitting, flopping, and kicking). When he is in these phases it is as if he has sunk into the quicksand of his autism and is incredibly difficult to reach. If we can figure out the triggers then we can perhaps intervene before the behaviour has become out of control. If we don't know the triggers or the consequences (and it is usually attention or escape), then we could inadvertently be reinforcing the behaviour. It all seems so complicated. But we keep going, of course.

Trimmed both their hair tonight. Bronwyn wanted layers! Well beyond my scope of expertise. When I finished cutting River's hair, he asked for "Some more off the top." I thought this was hilarious and pretended to cut some more 'off the top'. Watched the Christmas episode of 'Backyardigans' for the millionth time and got them off to bed nice and early.

I was able to submit my second to last assignment for my course. It was on the development of communication and social skills in developmentally delayed children. 'Luckily' for me, something I know a little bit about.

Lots more packing to do, but impossible to do when the kids are around. I should be able to get the keys on Thursday!

Spring Broke

Wow...nearly two weeks have gone by since...well...two weeks ago! Almost made it to the end of Spring Break. Nearly there. Just...Got to...Keep it together...For...Three. More. Days. I feel quite exhausted. The first week I began work at the preschool. I think it's going to work out great. It wasn't an ordinary week because the school was closed for Spring Break and half the kids were away. Next week will be a 'normal' week. On my first day there was a howling wind storm and half way through the morning the power went out and the school was plunged into semi-darkness (to the excitement and delight of the kids). We had to cancel the afternoon class. Weird first day!

This week has been a week of trying to keep the kids entertained and trying to keep River from driving us crazy. He is going through a silly phase at the moment. He has bouts of laughing uncontrollably and screams and yells, or asks repetitive questions; it is not that easy to ignore. Nor is it easy to re-direct him. He loves to act silly in front of mirrors and this house, being an 80's rental, is full of mirrors. Mirrored closet doors have to be one of the worst inventions of all time. When we go to places he often refuses to leave and screams, yells, flops or runs away. It is impossible for me to take him grocery shopping. The only place we can go is the local IGA. It's a very small, local supermarket and the staff know River. They know that his favourite place to hang out is aisle 3. It's the tea aisle. He also enjoys aisle 3 of other stores, so we're not sure what it is. But I can grocery shop in IGA because I know he will likely stay in aisle 3 taking things on and off shelves.

Truth to tell we've become a bit worried about his behaviour lately; it can be exhausting and frustrating to deal with. We also have to get to grips with toileting. He will use the toilet to pee but refuses to poo on the toilet. He knows that he should, but he just won't. There is a strategy we are going to implement soon. It involves taking a whole weekend and getting extra help, but we've heard there has been some success. Hand in hand with that is a fantastic development in his communication. It's baby steps, but he is talking in some sentences and asking appropriate questions. He is also commenting on things, purely for conversation. Every day he comes out with something that is new and surprising. It is very encouraging. Autism is so unpredictable.

Mark was reading the Real Estate forums the other day and came across this post:

***** Says:
March 12th, 2012 at 10:58 am
@****
Yes I agree, but in my world proper ‘rental stock’ is apartment buildings, town homes or houses built for the express purpose of renting to long term tenants, properly managed and marketed as same. NOT living in some dysfunctional middle class family’s basement listening to the autistic child bounce off the walls, hearing the older sister scream that she wants to die.

We instantly thought, "Oh no...our neighbours must have posted that!" Who else? Mark quickly checked the timing of the post. Phew...they were on the way to their vacation at that point. It can't have been them. Also...as we read more carefully, we don't have a basement or a tenant living below us. Close call. So there is another family out there that resembles ours!

In my 'spare' time I have been knitting and trying to catch up on reading and writing. I started "Halfblood Blues", but after its early promise I've kind of lost interest. Think I'll read the Hunger Games. Helen and I continue to work at creating patterns and knitting up samples to put on the Stitches website. It's coming along great.

The birthday bash.

River's birthday party was a lot of fun (and exhausting)! He was engaged and really enjoyed having kids over to celebrate. My friend, Michelle, made a fantastic 'garbage truck' birthday cake for him. It was as delicious as it was fantastic to look at! Now and then River was a little overwhelmed by the noise (note to self: do not by noise-makers), but he participated in all the games and was really excited by all the attention. He has also talked about his birthday and answered questions about it. It was a real hit. And I can set up some play dates for him...fantastic! Here are a few pics:

The fabulous garbage-truck cake

Birthday boy!

Pass the parcel...always a hit!

Time for cake

Make a wish!

Yep, they're all for you!

Present opening time!

A wonderful new truck from Aunty Trini and Uncle Lorne