Healing...

I will just do one more post regarding Ellee. Then I will lighten things up and talk about other stuff. Promise.

It' s been over a week now since Ellee died. Every day gets a little bit easier. It is still difficult to enter the house alone and be greeted by the empty space, and not by our beautiful dog with her wagging tail and trusting look. Sometimes the absence of the thing that we love seems to take up more space than the thing itself. I find I have to make constant mental readjustments to accept the different reality that is life without Ellee. My psyche seems continually challenged by a new version of family so seemingly different to the one that we had all grown used to and accepted. I know the impact of death is relative; a pet is a pet. There are far greater sorrows. But I also believe that it is a tribute to the limitless capacity of the human heart to love, that we can deeply love our family and friends, feel compassion for the sorrow and anguish of complete strangers, and yet also give so much love to our pets.  They share our lives in such a unique way.

On Sunday we buried Ellee's ashes in the Endowment Lands. Bronwyn was hesitant at first and didn't want to go. She said she didn't want to feel sad and cry. We didn't push it, but I explained to her that it did not necessarily have to be a sad occasion; that Ellee would be a part of the forest and would help the trees and plants grow. That her spirit was no longer in her body. In the end it was a very positive experience. We found a spot a few steps away from one of our favourite paths. Part way along this particular path there is a small stump cut in such a way that we have always said it resembled a chair. Bronwyn found this "chair" stump a couple of years ago when she needed a rest one day. That day she had brought along her stuffed hamster, Chimpy. Unfortunately, she lost Chimpy in the woods that same day and, although we went back to look for it, we never found it. Since then, everytime we walked down the path and passed by the stump, we created stories and possibilities about what happened to Chimpy. We even named the stump "Chimpy's chair". So we buried Ellee a few steps from Chimpy's chair, under a big fir tree. We put a few decorations around. We said a brief goodbye to Ellee and gathered twigs to mark her "grave". Then we took turns to say something that we loved about her. For Bronwyn, her soft chin and her fur. For me, her soft fur, gentle nature and walks. Mark loved her gentle nature and how she gave us all so much love in return. It was poignant and sorrowful, but Bronwyn said, "This is much more fun than I thought it would be." I was glad when she said that because then I knew I had accomplished what I'd set out to do.

 She has been non-stop drawing lovely pictures of Ellee. She draws a picture named "First", and then a picture named "Last". First is Ellee with us, and Last, of course, is Ellee in heaven, or spirit world, or crossing the rainbow bridge (a poem the vet gave us to read). She's a brave little girl and we are very proud of her.

Rest in Peace our Beloved Ellee

beautiful Ellee on the beach

This post is difficult to write... It seems so strange that at the end of my last post I wrote that I hoped Ellee wasn't dying and that I wasn't ready. The very next day, on Saturday evening, she died. Our beautiful, loyal, kind, and gentle dog. The quiet observer of all our trials and tribulations. My longest relationship. Our companion on miles and miles of walks in the woods and along the beach. I will miss her so much. We will all miss her. It's hard to imagine our lives without her. The house feels empty. We keep thinking we hear her, or catch glimpses of her in the spaces where she used to sleep or sit. The dog hair that I used to complain about is still around and how I wish there were more of it to complain about. And her beautiful coat to stroke. Man, woman and child's best friend; the only reason to get up and walk the beach or woods on a frosty winter morning.

One of the first pics of Ellee

On Saturday evening at around 7:20, the kids and I were settling down for a bedtime story. Ellee, who was sleeping in her bed, moved as if to get up as she usually does if she wants to stretch or walk. But this time something was terribly wrong. Something took hold of her and she lost balance and fell to the floor on her back, with her legs madly scrambling. I rush over and moved her quickly onto her side and tried to calm her. I thought she may have scared herself, or really hurt her hips. Bronwyn rushed over and starting screaming, "What's happening? What's wrong with her?, "Ellee!!". I soon realised (because we used to have a dog that had regular seizures) that she was having a seizure. She recovered a little, and I managed to get River to bed. I stroked her and, although she was panting and clearly traumatized, she seemed to be calming down. But then it started all over again. Seizures don't usually last more than

a minute, but this one didn't stop. Her legs were scrambling and her jaw clenched and bit, her whole body trembled with spasms. It was terrible to see her that way. All I could do was put my hands on her and stroke her; let her know that I was there for her and try to provide what comfort I could. Poor Bronwyn was distraught and crying hysterically. Unfortunately, Mark was away for the night (it was the worse timing, but she seemed to rally on Friday and that was why he decided to go). I didn't even have the van. Fortunately, I got hold of Trini and Lorne, and our friend Mike. They came over quickly and Mike and his son Nicky stayed with Bronwyn while we wrapped darling Ellee in a blanket and took her on the long, rainy, miserable ride to the emergency animal hospital. At this point I knew that we weren't going to be coming back with her. I had already told Bronwyn that she needed to say goodbye.



with Senna in Tofino


 They immediately took Ellee to the back and administered some medication to stop the seizure. This didn't work and so they had to administer stronger medicine. The vet spoke to me of "options", but she basically told me the prognosis was not good. With a seizure lasting so that long Ellee would likely be brain-damaged or soon back into another one. Sadly, it was her time to go and I knew it. So there was only really one option and that was to put her to sleep. Ellee seemed calm. I'm not sure if she was conscious or not. I said my goodbyes while she lay on the metal table at the back of the vets. It felt surreal as these things inevitably do. (I even noticed there were a couple of small dogs with bandages in cages, whimpering nearby). Ellee suddenly looked like what she was; a very, very old dog. There didn't seem much left in her, but I was never ready to accept that she would be gone one day. I said a tearful, heartfelt goodbye to the most wonderful dog I have ever known. I stroked her and told her what a good dog she was and that it was okay to go. She fell into a deeper sleep and finally into that endless sleep. She was at peace after a full, happy, and long life - full of love, companionship and adventure. But my heart broke into pieces as I saw her laying there, and worse I knew that I had to go back and tell Bronwyn, who loved Ellee more than anything else. It was beyond sad and words cannot express how deeply we miss her, and will continue to miss her.

Always with Bronwyn...true friends

I am glad that we had help from Trini and Lorne, and Mike. I felt bad that Nicky (only 6) witnessed everything. He even wanted to give Bronwyn his old dog so that she wouldn't feel so sad. Mark was, and is, very upset that he wasn't there to say goodbye. But we couldn't have known it would happen so quickly. Bronwyn's heart is broken, but she's trying to deal with it the best way that she can. She says Ellee is a spirit around her now and she talks to her as if Ellee were her "invisible" friend. The benefit to this is that she gets to take Ellee to school. I am sure this is a coping strategy and I anticipate that it will fade over time. It is a tough lesson. We have watched Bronwyn grieve and try so hard to understand the eternal question of death and what comes after. One minute Ellee is in "doggy heaven", but at times that seems to make her more sad. The concept of heaven is, after all, extremely complex when you think about it.  So she is running around on all fours and pretending to be a dog (more than she usually would). There is a good book for kids who lose their loved pets called "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney". We read that together and it seemed to help.

We are not unfamiliar with grief and we know there isn't much we can do except think about her, miss her, talk about her and simply let time do it's thing. We will collect Ellee's ashes and bury her in the Endowment Lands, one of our favourite places to walk. We will say goodbye to her and then we will walk in the woods without her, as we must.


our last family camping trip with Ellee

We try to think of positives: we had nearly 14 wonderful years with her. She had a good life after being rescued from the SPCA (who rescued her from the streets). She was never left alone for long and went on almost daily walks to the woods, or the beach or a park. She was loved and cared for and gave nothing but love back. We took good care of her and enjoyed her trusting, and gentle companionship, as well as her unfailing protection. Until the end she was a very healthy dog. Aside from routine check-ups, she only had two previous trips to the vet, and both visits were for a cut paw. Of course, I keep thinking of how I could have done more. But that is only natural. I keep thinking of a poem by Leonard Cohen that I've liked since I was a teenager. Short and sweet (I've changed his "Annie" to our "Ellee"):

With Ellee gone,

Whose eyes to compare

With the morning sun?

Not that I did compare,

But I do compare

Now that she's gone.

I know I am a better person because Ellee was in our lives and because I loved and cared for her. She was a true companion; a really, really good dog. Rest in peace Ellee...forever missed and forever in our hearts.

A week in review...

A short update on this weeks happenings...

Saturday: Bronwyn and I attending an improvisation singing circle with our friends Nicole and Gala. I wasn't sure how we would like it at first, although Nicole had described it to me. But I though it would be fun to try....and it was (once the group warmed up and I lost some of my inhibitions). Bronwyn and Gala really enjoyed it too. It is amazing the beautiful music people can make using only voices (no words) in various rhythms and harmonies.

Sunday: a wonderful rainy walk in the woods with the kids and Ellee.

Monday: the beginning of Bronwyn's first full week in her new class. It's a K/1 split and I had reservations at first. But she loves it. There are only 5 grade ones (and I think 11 kids in total). It's a very small cohesive group. The grade 1 kids have really bonded and I think it's great that for half the day there is a 5-1 ratio with the teacher (and that's if all kids show up). I am happy for Bronwyn, who already exhibits a new found independence and "big girl" attitude. But at the end of the day I worry about school and how it affects kids and I wonder what they really learn. Homeschooling would be better...but I don't think we could make it work.
The new BI started...so great for River!

Tuesday: Something wrong with Ellee. She could hardly walk and wasn't eating. Could she decline so fast...she was walking in the woods on Sunday. We've given her glucosamine. I think she injured her hip. Maybe she slipped on the floor while we were out. I think we need to get some sort of non-slip paw coverings for her back paws. Poor thing. It is so sad to see her growing old. Had Gala and Nicole over for a fun playdate. They brought their big, bouncing, energetic 3-year old Lab/German Shepherd over too. He was a real "gentleman" in the house. I was struck by how little attention he paid to Ellee. Normally, dogs (and especially young dogs) want to sniff/play etc. But he left Ellee alone and when I thought about it, I've noticed a similar behaviour with other dogs. I wonder if they naturally realise she is old and give her some space. I think so.

Wednesday: Ellee seemed to perk up a bit. Still didn't eat much though..or move much. We visited Bronwyn's old school in the afternoon and Bronwyn had a play with her friend Nicky, who she hasn't seen for a few weeks. It was like old times! And it was a beautiful fall day!

Thursday: River didn't seem to want to go to school. He doesn't have the ability to tell me he doesn't want to go to school, but every time we turned a corner towards school he'd say, "No, I want to go that way", and point in another direction. Then he'd say, "I want to go see May" (May is his BI who works with him on the days he's not in school), "I want to go park". He pushed out his lower lip and seemed very sad. He was telling me that he wanted to be with May (or do anything) rather than go to school. It suddenly occurred to me that I have taken for granted River's extremely compliant, happy nature.

He is spending the day with strangers. It is the longest he's ever spent without me, Mark, Bronwyn, or one of his BI's. My poor little boy...it is so overwhelming and he is feeling more anxiety than I realised. I watched him through the one-way glass. He was okay, very sweet and good with the adults, following instructions etc. But he was sucking his fingers the whole time and didn't seem to understand what he was supposed to do there. He doesn't interact with the other kids at all. He doesn't mind them being there, but he only does things by himself and I worry about that. I'm afraid that he will be so lonely in school and that thought pulled at my heart-strings. I will see what he's like on Tuesday.

Today is Friday...raining. I have a cold (what fun!). But Ellee seems to have perked up a bit. I made her a mixture of ground beef, brown rice, carrots, and olive oil. She has at least eaten something. I hope she isn't dying. I'm not ready for that.

Saturday: What is in the future?