Breast Cancer 101

Most women dread the thought of breast cancer, to put it mildly. The word in itself conjures up 100s of scary thoughts and images. Then there are those monthly self-examinations that we're not that good at doing (and may not be that useful anyway). Those annoying mammograms. I was just as ill-prepared to hear my diagnosis as every other woman. I'm almost 5 months into my journey and it's still going. It all started with a routine mammogram and then the dreaded call back. Something suspicious in my left breast. Nothing to worry about, lots of people get called back for a diagnostic mammogram. Then the waiting. I had to wait 6 weeks for my next mammogram, but I wasn't too worried. Then I got another call back. They found an area of "highly suspicious" micro-calcification over quite a wide area. Sometimes this can be sign of beginning cancer. I would need a core needle biopsy. I'd never heard of micro-calcification and had no idea what a core needle biopsy was. Off I went to Google. Not the best idea but I did glean some information. The surgeon wanted to take out the whole area so it meant surgery under general anaesthetic. More waiting and then the biopsy. Nothing to worry about. Lots of people have biopsies and get good results. More waiting. Then I got the pathology results of the biopsy. Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. I only heard of it through my google searches. Not the news I was hoping for. All I heard was "breast cancer" and it was shocking to hear. A myriad of scary thoughts and images flooded my mind. One of the hardest things was telling my family. But then I did some reading. It's sometimes called pre-cancer and it is very early stage cancer and has not spread anywhere. The prognosis is good. A Partial Mastectomy (or lumpectomy) followed by radiation therapy was recommended. That's okay. Lots of women have partial mastectomies. More waiting. More surgery to remove a large area of breast tissue. Recovery was okay. The weirdest thing was that the cavity initially fills with fluid and I could hear it sloshing about like a half filled jug. Every time I heard it I felt nauseous. Then more waiting. Hoping that will be the end of it.

The follow up visit was yesterday. Sorry, we didn't get it all, and it seems that it's no longer "in situ" but has begun to turn invasive. I felt sure I would need a mastectomy and was preparing for all that involved, but the surgeon recommended another lumpectomy and a sentinel node biopsy. Perhaps he can get the rest of it and I can conserve most of my breast. (I guess it's one of the "benefits" of having large breasts). More waiting. It's just not stopping. I am keenly aware that things could be worse and I am thankful this cancer has been caught early. I am being positive and hopeful, but I just want this over and done with so I can get on with life. I need energy to focus on River's autism interventions and all the other stuff that I have to do. I'm still over a week away from my second lumpectomy that will be followed by more waiting. It can be excruciating all this waiting and not knowing. I am being strong and positive and people are being very supportive, but the fears haunt me and keep me up at night. Fears that I can't even put words to because they are too awful. I feel like I am looking through a camera lens that is constantly shifting focus; one minute it is the small things that I try to focus on, but in the next minute I worry about the big picture and the "what ifs" and other important things blur. I am wise enough to know that it is useless to worry about "what ifs"...but I wish my brain would understand that at 3am in the morning when I lay awake trying to shut out my fears. All I can do is try to stay positive and strong, pray for guidance and lean on my friends and family, who give me more strength. This is my wake-up call. Take joy in the simple day to day things and in the love and happiness of my children. Don't take any of it for granted. Not even for a minute.