Took a rainy-day walk to the Endowment Lands; something we haven't done for a while (well, it hasn't rained that much!). It was something the kids wanted to do - something we used to do quite a bit when they were younger - and I was very happy they wanted to go. Mike and I are used to walking distances. However, what we consider a short walk appeared to be a long, tiring walk for Bronwyn and River. They enjoyed it..but whining set in toward the end. The colours were quite dramatic; a 1000 shades of green and, here and there, a shower of golden leaves lit up the branches and lay draped and curled all around the green and mossy limbs. River was able to get re-acquainted with slugs (he became fascinated them when we went camping in August; almost as if he hadn't even noticed them before). Bronwyn chit-chatted and gathered large maple leaves. She wanted to bring them home and press them. I let her decide about that. It seems time to really let her try to figure out and make her own decisions about things. "Mummy, can I take this home? Do we have anything I can press this leaf with? Do I have any big books?" I replied that, yes, she could take it home. But as to whether or not she had a big book, or thought she could press it, that was up to her to think about and decide. It appears that giving kids this freedom to make their own decisions is not entirely welcome. Making decisions requires thought and a degree of effort, and so kids might prefer that you do all that though and effort. But my brain is tired of thought and effort and I sometimes feel that I cannot make another decision.
I volunteered to be PAC Chairperson this year. I am still debating the wisdom of this. It seemed like a good, if impulsive, decision at the time. I wanted to volunteer in the community. However, I really don't know what I'm doing and am thoroughly winging it. But I believe that it is through learning new things that I stay alert and maintain what little brain power I have. We'll see how it goes. The last meeting went well. I'm not sure I needed to give myself extra anxiety; I feel full of a myriad of anxieties these days. From the day to day concerns of family, money, job, school....to the more fundamental and philosophical concerns such as life - death - aging, growing children and the future of my boy with autism.
On Sunday we took the kids swimming and they had a lot of fun. Bronwyn brought her friend, Cami, along. River swam by himself in a pool for the first time ever! I was both proud and cautious. I let him be by himself for only a few minutes while I got changed (and even then, Mike stayed by the side of the pool until I came back). I changed guiltily, wondering all the time if I'd done the right thing. Would he be ok in there? What if something happened and I was that negligent parent who selfishly left the pool rather than stay to accompany my child who can barely swim? Even though Mike was there and so were the life-guards, and it is shallow, and...he CAN swim! So I changed quickly and returned to find River happily swimming and playing around with the pool toys. A relief! My worry about River can sometimes be overwhelming and all-consuming. It's not something I can talk about without choking back tears that come almost automatically, and without warning, any time I voice these worries. And there are worries about Brownyn too. Going through all the uncertainty of puberty. Growing up, but wanting to stay small at the same time. Letting go with one hand, while clinging to me with the other. What a strange and difficult time for her. I have to hold back from lecturing to often. On the one hand I want her to make her own decisions, but on the other hand I find it hard to resist giving my thoughts and opinions on everything she does! Poor girl. She is not the only one growing and learning, I guess. It's not something that we just stop doing once we reach adulthood. I am, like her, still unfinished, with a lot to learn.
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