It's been a while...

Beautiful Autumn day at Jericho Park

 Hello blog...nice to see you again. Where to start....a lot has happened in this topsy-turvey life. Some good, some bad. Life took a turn over the past months and, without going into too much detail, there have been many changes.

Sadly, Mark and I separated at the beginning of September. Nothing is easy about a separation and there's not a lot I will say. It is inexorably sorrowful. Mark has moved to an apartment very close by and the kids divide their time between his place and mine. They love staying at daddy's house and we have both worked hard to do what we can to lessen the inevitable sadness and upheaval that separation brings to a child's world. It is hard work, but hopefully we will in time get settled into the 'new normal' and get on with things.

Kids are back at school. Bronwyn grade 3 and River in grade 1. Not an easy adjustment for River and I have lost count of meetings, emails, trips back and forth, in order to establish that he is doing okay. Bronwyn has a new teacher and has moved to a new class away from her friends. She was not happy about this, but seems to be adjusting. In the midst of separation we bought Bronwyn a new "super habitat" for her much-loved gerbils, Cactus and Scorpion. Unfortunately, there is a flaw in the habitat and as she opened a certain section one day, Scorpion was caught in a tube and the opening hit his back. It seems that it cut off or severed his back/nervous system and he died almost instantly. This was devastating to Bronwyn. Her grief was intense and has been long-lasting; a cycle that she cannot get out of. Blame, grief, and sorrow circling endlessly in her young mind. I talked to the school about what happened (along with the other things that have turned her world upside-down). They have offered art therapy and Bronwyn seems to enjoy this. She came home after her first session and I have to say she appeared somehow 'lighter'. I will see how it goes: but so far so good.

River started grade 1, still unable to poo in the toilet. Mostly, he is in pull-ups. He has a lot of anxiety around it. We don't know what the problem is...but somehow he just doesn't know what to do to be able to poo in the toilet. The anxiety was affecting his day. Then school (for a myriad of reasons) changed his aide...in the middle of a day. This was extra confusing on top of everything else. He is saying he 'hates' school and appears unhappy to be there. We are trying to get to the bottom of it, but he cannot tell us what it is that is upsetting him and so it is a case of detective work between the school and ourselves. His new aide seems okay...lacking warmth perhaps, but okay. His teacher takes an interest and includes him in her classroom (this is not always the case). But that is autism; constantly trying to un-crack the code that is your child. Only able to go on clues and attempt (with a team) to decipher what they mean. Always hyper-vigilant to the vulnerability of your child. Always conscious that you and his dad are his only advocates and you cannot slacken. Being told by the school what is best for him, but always relying on your instincts and always questioning yourself. How are we doing? Are we doing our best? Are we failing him somehow? Can we do better? Welcome to the world of 'special needs' kids!

In other news I fulfilled a life-long dream and took a motorcycle course...then I bought a bike! Here she is...Black Ninja 250!

I mostly rode a CBR 125 on the course (okay, I exclusively rode a CBR 125). I knew I wanted a sport bike and wouldn't let go of the Honda, fearing someone else would try it and not let go. I went with ProRide and it was a great course. Having said that...I am a new rider and still need a lot of practise. But I love my bike and I love the fact that I can ride. Not long after I bought her I immediately experienced buyer's remorse. But then I thought, "hey, she's my only vehicle"...and justified it to myself and felt a whole lot better! Once we have kids we seem to forget about ourselves. It seems terribly selfish to do something for yourself...but we have to let that go. We live parallel to our kids and should not forget that our own lives are just as important. They will have theirs and so it goes on. So, hell yeah, I love my bike!!!

What else...oh yes...more breast surgery. Had an excisional biopsy on a lump that was loafing around in my right breast...and growing. Last year they were sure it was nothing...then this year they are not so sure. So surgery was scheduled for October 15th. Relatively uneventful apart from the 5 or 6 tries to get the bloody IV in my arm! Trini went with me and we chitchatted away, like only sisters can do, sharing a few jokes about being in the same place and recognizing surgeons, until I was wheeled into the OR. The results are okay...not at all like the dramatic alteration that I experienced on the left-side. Trini has bravely endured the tedious, daily chore of radiation treatments and hopefully her cancer is zapped back to hell. We joked that we could have met for coffee at BCCA...the world's most depressing coffee shop!

Sadly, Trini was diagnosed with breast cancer in September. Yes, she always has to copy me! I think that's what I told her when she disclosed her news. She has been brave. I know only too well how much it takes out of you. She endured a lumpectomy and then the rounds of radiation. I am thankful that we both escaped chemotherapy. Thank heavens for small mercies.  She has written about her experiences here. So I will let her tell her own story.

And we're moving...found a new place just 8 blocks up the road. I'm currently surrounded by boxes; always disconcerting to see your life packed into boxes. I was starting to get a bit overwhelmed by this, well, let's face it, constant uphill climb. But I have wonderful friends. My good friend, Laurie, came over yesterday evening and spent today helping me sort stuff out and pack. I don't know if I could have managed on my own. But we'll move next Saturday. It's a Kitsilano character home that's been divided up. Old, but with character. We'll have the original living room and kitchen and 2 "garden"-level rooms downstairs...(pics to follow). I decided to give Bronwyn her own room. I think she needs it. She's had a tough go and being the sibling of a child with autism is no picnic; so much attention invested into the other child. And she's lived that life since she was only 4 years old. She needs a bit of space. River and I will cuddle up together in my room.

Took a course at UBC in Early Childhood Development...a kind of gamble that I hope will pay off by opening some doors for work. Not the smartest move given how busy I always am and how much there is going on. But I've kept up and it's nearly done. Let's hope the gamble pays off. I am back at the preschool and loving it. We have 19 kids in the morning and 15 in the pm. It's a wonderful job, I don't even think of it as work. It's a pleasure and a privilege.

So there's a bit of a catch up. I've missed out on loads of details; lots of occasions that were worth noting. But no point in going back. Onwards and upwards. This blog was started as a journal - mostly an aide-memoire, but also a way of connecting with friends and family (because I am hopeless at keeping in touch), and of course, something for my children to look back on. Speaking of whom, here are some gratuitous pictures of my beautiful children....

Log lolloping